Posted tagged ‘ventriloquism’

Ventriloquism for dummies

September 23, 2014


That’s a funny title for a blog, isn’t it? It’s humorous, paradoxical and clever. Trouble is probably somewhere out there in the infinite world of cyberspace someone will have done it first. It is tough trying to be original, just ask Captain Robert Falcon Scott.

Back to ventriloquism.

Who said that?

I said it.

Who are you, who, who, who, who?

Leave off with the CSI tunes.

Say What?

OK, OK, no more double voices, This is confusing even me, the (ahem) writer. I need a gottle o geer before I can continue.


We all have our favourite ventriloquists. Sometimes it is not the skill of the mouth-garbling artiste that we admire it is the puppet. The puppet is the star of the show. The jokes don’t matter if the dummy has the special knack of making you laugh. Your boat might be rocked by Lord Charles, Nookie Bear or Orville the duck, it’s subjective. Maybe , just maybe, you’re a Chucky fan. But I wouldn’t count on it. Me, I’ve always howled out loud at Rod Hull’s Emu. Although, Emu never spoke. There was no ventriloquism involved. Hull spoke for himself. Emu just bit people. Hilarious.


Attempting to enter the ventriloquist market and become a master of puppets, I’ve wracked my brain thinking of a suitable dummy that will play the fool against my straight man. Again, it is a struggle to be original. All the animals and caricatured humans have been done. So I considered my own creations. A fifty foot Bobby the brontosaurus marionette would be a fantastic piece of work and bring the house down, literally, but it would be too unwieldy; only Reed Richards could handle the Bobby dummy. The less said about the Sailor Boy puppet the better- we all know where the hands go- which only leaves the sub-editor dummy. (I’m real, I’m real and not a dummy – sub-editor comment)

So I’ve given up on my dream of ventriloquism riches with a companion and decided to go solo like Han and Skid. Puppet less, I’ve been practising throwing my voice. This is quite a difficult art to conquer, this voice-throwing gig. Keeping the gob shut while saying a sentence is hard work indeed. Doing this and teleporting it elsewhere at the same time is extremely difficult. Nailing it would be like having a super power. Voice-Throwing Man! I wonder if that’s been done before. Probably. In some archaic comic book.  There goes the credit to Voice-Throwing Man the Movie with the inevitable not as good sequels.

Nonetheless, I’ve striven and stracked and thrown my voice at inanimate objects with the result being my vocal chords sounding strangulated. I’ve mumbled “I’m the oven. I’m quite warm” whenever anyone neared the stove. This warning does stop the victim in their tracks though they do turn and stare at me which takes the glamour away slightly. The panic thrown utterance of “help, help, I’m locked in the cupboard” raises eyebrows in the household yet no one moves to save the trapped stranger.

Penguins and huskies! I get the feeling it’d be easier getting to the South Pole than becoming a voice throwing expert. So I’ve gone back to my normal voice and the bottles of beer. Who said that?