Posted tagged ‘United Biscuits’

One more Bandit for the road

November 10, 2014

Q: what’s a penguin’s favourite musical instrument?

A: a chill-o

News that the makers of penguins biscuits, United Biscuits, were bought over by the Turkish food manufacturer, Yildiz Holding, sent blasts of ice around the internet. The social media site, Nutter, almost went into meltdown as #make-your-own-penguin-jokes trended furiously. Everyone sent in a Nut. That’s my original Nut underneath the title. Forgive me, it’s hard going making up your own jokes.

So the penguins and Jaffa cakes of UB have become a Turkish delight. At least they haven’t went extinct. Like Bandit’s for example. Bandit’s were a particular favourite of mine. A chocolate covered wafer in an easy to open wrapper. Simples, as the saying goes. But now…why oh why do the makers of today insist on sealing the wrappers? There are much ripping, frowning, shredding with teeth and ultimately hammering and chiselling of the wrapper to get to the goodness within. It’s like blowing up a bank. You have to play the part of a bandit breaking into a safe. All this trouble just to open a biscuit wrapper.

Let’s talk media the Bandit adverts captured the Betamax zeitgeist with their second class catchphrases.

“I can’t stand it with Bandit keep your chin off the floor”
“Great big bar Bandit is as big as a door.”
Another vanquished great was the Banjo, a close cousin of the Bandit. Another touch of sheep cloning, another brick in the wall, another wafer. The Banjo had a chopped peanut layer under the surface of its cratered chocolate soil. Crunching under the bedrock it was like striking oil when you tasted those nuts. We’ve got a gusher, gaffer. Available in a two bar package just like a Twix, the Banjo had the better tunes. Until the day the music died and it was packed away in its case. Banjoed.

Moving onto the exotic we come to the Montego. A touch of the Caribbean about this one. Produced in the same style as a Club biscuit, the Montego was a double wrapper, a double wrapper (good job I‘ve ignored the Trio bar). The outer wrap was paper with the brand branding and the inner layer was a silver foil. Hi-Ho, a biscuit with jewellery. El Dorado! The Montego was a chocolate covered ginger nut paradise. It always comes back to nutters doesn’t it? Alas, Alad, Alot, the Montego has now gone the way of the Dodo.

I’m sure there’s many more gems that I’ve forgotten. Nutty bars and stuff like that. All this wafering has made me hungry. I’m off to put the Roger Kettle on.