Posted tagged ‘Tractors’

Headline: More cuts on the way

August 4, 2013

Lots of time I have been criticised by my offspring for doing pointless things. PDA’s they call them- Pointless Dad Activities.

The most major of the PDA’s is my predilection for cutting up the daily newspaper and magazines. Firstly, let me be clear that I am not a Daily Sport reader (or Playboy magazine reader, though there‘s not a lot of reading in that, so they tell me), I am a Daily Telegraph man, born and nurtured.

There’s a lot of reading in the Telegraph and it’s hard to absorb in one sitting. Therefore, I carefully cut out sections or articles that I will peruse at a future date. The family groan when they hear the sound of scissors snipping. They know there will be a new mountain of cuttings being tectonically formed. Some parts of the paper don’t make the cut, that’s life. When I’m done, the newspaper, violently disfigured, sits in an unfolded heap.

Finding time to read the cuttings is hard. I do read some of the choice cuts from the pile but most of them are left unread and eventually will be put in the bin. I try to do this unseen but sometimes I get caught and face the wrath of the PDA committee. See, knew you wouldn’t read them. The detractors say why don’t I leave the newspaper complete as then I would go back to it. They don’t understand that after reading a page it must be destroyed. It’s pointless having a piece of newspaper you’re not going to read again. The cuttings have a chance at being read before the cull.

Other PDA’s that have been hurled at me include-

“What is the point in scraping the ice off the car in the winter when you know that you are not going to be driving it that particular day?”

“What is the point in having dozens of pint glasses when you only have one mouth?”

“What is the point in writing about tractors? You know nothing about tractors . Or bees.”

That last one stung me. But only for a wee while. Because there’s a good case for saying that everybody’s activities is pointless not just mine. The only thing not pointless is breathing as that is an important function, in my opinion.

This is the New Holland T4 Powerstar.

The all-new three model T4 PowerStar range has been designed to take farming comfort to a whole new level. With 55 to 75hp on tap farmers, municipalities and other operators will be able to sit back and relax in this thing of beauty. From distinctive styling to responsive performance, from loader integration to a whole host of customisable options, the new T4 PowerStar is designed for ultimate comfort. Boasting a super flat floor and wide opening doors mean easy entry. The Command Arc offers ergonomic and intuitive control, and the high visibility, fully opening roof hatch, and the integrated joystick guarantee precision loader operation. Stay cool on the hottest days with dual zone air conditioning, and share your T4 PowerStar thanks to the full size instructor seat with seatbelt. Playboy, beat that.

Girl with Red Toenails by B.Keeper

A girl lounges on her deck chair

Her toenails are painted a deep red

It entices the flying marvel

Away from the honeycomb flower beds

The bee surveys the ten little red seas

Before plunging for a nibble

It gently feathers her pinkie nail

She giggles at the tickle


Just another tractor blog

April 15, 2011

A scene had developed on the periphery of the city. The townspeople were laughing and their mocking tones made me rubberneck in their direction. As usual to get the best view I barged through the crowd shouting “Coming through. Make way for the doctor”. One wag, that’s wag and not WAG, responded, “it’s not a doctor that thing needs, it’s a scrap yard.”

Soon I saw the object of their derision. And it was beautiful. The object that is, not their derision; English can be a handful at times. Broken down in the middle of the road was a vintage tractor. Mine eyes were seeing the glory of a 1960 Massey Ferguson. Manual recirculating ball steering, two-stage clutch rear power take-off, 72 inch wheel base and a maximum drawbar pull of 3,965 Lbs. This is the Debbie Harry of tractors.

At this point I would like to add that not all the townspeople were mocking the rural driver and his broken down angel. Two intrepid entrepreneurs, spotting the absence of a windscreen, were washing Massey’s bonnet and taxing the stranded owner a fiver for their troubles.

I warned everyone to stand back as I was about to perform a miracle. Everybody likes to see a miracle done for free so they backed off a yard. With all my might I was Samson and Simon of Cyrene rolled into one and I heaved the backside of the voluptuous tractor. Creaking noises of an engine sparked into life and the push had done the trick. The tractor sped away at the speed of tortoise.

The townspeople had seen the light, were won over by this extreme act of charity and clapped like duelling cymbals. It was a seminal moment that was cut short by bursts of laughter from across the road. Another set of townspeople were laughing at a broken down steamroller. This might be harder to shift so I took off my jacket and rolled my shirt sleeves up.