Posted tagged ‘The Tip Tax’

Bigjohn 4

May 8, 2016

The Daily Asteroid columnist, Bigjohn, has kindly syndicated more of his articles for publication. Don’t say we’re not good to you.

The Tip Tax

The government’s new austerity measures have forced them into implementing a new tax. Bigjohn states, it was bound to happen. Think about it. You tip a taxi driver but don’t tip a bus driver. You tip a waiter but don’t tip a walker. You tip rubbish but never a syndicated writer. Therefore, the haves are getting their tips taxed. The Tip Tax has caused controversy.

Junior barbers have gone on strike. We can’t live without our tips, they say. This is cutting our standard of living, they also say. The standard of junior barbers’ cutting is questionable. Bigjohn says some of them are more like junior butchers than barbers.

This is one strike Bigjohn is glad of. It means his long locks will be trimmed by a professional senior barber. Bigjohn hummed Bring Me Sunshine as he sashayed to the barber’s chair. Just the usual.

News came over the radio that the government had backed down and the Tip Tax was being scrapped. The have-nots like Bigjohn sighed. He looked in the mirror and saw that the professional had taken a back seat. On the case was a junior barber, out of practice, and back on the job. That’s not clippers,  Bigjohn thought, the junior barber is holding a chainsaw and muttering something about crossing a picket line.


Celebrity Watch

Bigjohn was at a C-listers party where conversation was dull and monotony was the only game in town. Proceedings livened up when the beautiful Nicole Kidman made an entrance. Nicole’s features could have been sculpted by  Alexandros of Antioch with the only change being she still had her arms.

The crowds parted before her like the Red Sea. Truly, Bigjohn was staring at a goddess. Bigjohn is not slow in coming forward and he was going to approach the star but this time he didn’t need to. She was approaching him…(Take My Breath Away was playing in the background)

She was nearing Bigjohn and he was trying hard to contain his excitement. Now, just a few feet away Bigjohn prepared to embrace Nicole Kidman. He cuddled fresh air.

She walked past him and started kissing a small man that was behind Bigjohn. Is Kidman kidding me? The object of her affection was some bloke called Sergei the Meerkat.

A Diet of Worms

Bigjohn’s agent had got him a lucrative gig. With flagging audience figures the producers of I’m a Celebrity, Get me out of Here wanted bigger profile stars in their production. The original Bigjohn was just what the nation of aborigines needed. Bigjohn slapped his agent on the back knocking his falsies out. What a gig!

A free holiday in Australia, all meals provided and a shedload of appearance money to boot. Bigjohn would also like it on his CV that he was the King of the Jungle. Doing the trials and eating bushtucker meat would be a piece of cake. Bigjohn couldn’t wait to tuck into a kangaroo burger and Didgeridoo steaks.

The agent said “They’ll probably get Bigjohn to eat cheesy worms.” Alarm bells rang, Dingo, Dingo, Dingo ! This isn’t the gig Bigjohn is looking for. He slapped his agent again; this time in the ribs. The producers were told that syndicated writers were too busy writing copy to participate. Bigjohn slithered back to his desk.