Posted tagged ‘The natural world’

Giant foot steps in the snow

July 6, 2013

While most of the world has been mapped by a collection of ever better cartographers- Ptolemy, Amerigo Vespucci, Robert Moresby, Google et al – I’d like to thank the last mentioned for featuring me on five different street views. Proof that I’m always chasing a story (or running from moneylenders, the choice is yours)- the natural world, however, has still got many discoveries to be found. There’s a lot of lost out there. It is common knowledge that we have barely scratched the surface of the sea life that lives underwater. On the ground it has been easier to identify new species of established wildlife.

Lemmy’s worm

Only last year a new breed of tarantula was found in the Arizona desert and the scientist decided to name the spider after his favourite celebrity. And so we have Aphonopelma Davemustainei. The front man of the mighty metal group Megadeth was delighted to have a deadly arachnid named after him. The reaction of Lemmy Kilmister, vagabond chief of the rock band Motorhead, when he heard a 428 million year old fossilised worm was christened Kalloprio Kilmisteri in his honour is unknown. The KK was reputed to be a scary worm but who’s around to confirm this. Turtles don’t talk.

All these new findings got me wanting to be in the act. It would be nice to be immortalised. I wouldn’t want a statue as the pigeons would home in on it. So marble is out. The naming of my hopefully, new unearthing was a minor problem as no internet translator site would give me the Latin for Whizzfrombizz. The major problem was I knew no scientists so I would have to find something new myself. And I didn’t want no worm or spider I wanted something big, something like…Big Foot or as it is sometimes known as, The Sasquatch. Now that would be a catch.

I headed for the remotest place I knew, the seat furthest away from the toilets in McDonalds, but there were no specimens here that hadn’t already been found before so I had to do some thinking outside the snack box. The hills. The hills have it. I made for the hills and got myself photographed by the Google van, again. This is turning into the Dennis Weaver film, Duel. On I went over hills and through Lochs. On the way I saw the Loch Ness Monster and gave him a wave. As he surfed it, he told me to give Barry the Bronto his regards.

On I ploughed, the wind was biting and the snow was gnawing at my bones. And I apologise for that boring clichéd last sentence, although there will be more of the same, dear faithful reader of these far-fetched tales. Still I trudged on and would have worn out the carpet if the hills had had a carpet. Maybe the world should be carpeted instead of being Googlevan-mapped. It’d be comfier for explorers like Columbus and me. We could be shod with slippers instead of boots. A game of carpet bowls while hill walking would break the monotony as well.

And then through a snowstorm I saw it.

Through the white that was all around me a huge terrifying shape was beginning to form in front of me. It was 50 storeys tall if it was a foot. And then it became clearer…ever more clearer…and clearer…it was pink. I jumped when a pink glove tapped me on the shoulder.

“Hello sailor boy. You’re out of luck, I saw it first.”

Beaten again to the chase Yeti again by Pinkie my wrists went limp. Sensing my dejection, the big pink Big Foot put his arms around me in consolation.

*****

To console myself and in celebration of the Mustaine tarantula here’s some Megadeth. I know you’re getting to like them.


 

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