Posted tagged ‘The Mad Hatters Race’

The Grand Hational

June 19, 2010

And here are the runners and riders for this years annual hat hunters chase at Wincannone.
1. Beer Can Expat Hat worn and sipped by Expat.
2. All the days of Marmot, a domesticated hat tamed by Dolores.
3. The Vendee Helicopter piloted by Jon.
4. Canary Express, sadly a non-hatter.

They’re coming up to the tape and under starter’s orders. Make mine a double, he shouts before the clerk of the course reminds him of his official duty. The starter with a long face shoehorns the hats into place and they’re off.

And the early leader is the favourite, Beer Can Expat Hat. The rider has shown adroit skill by changing the empties in her hat and continuing to consume the lager at a great gallop. What a pace she’s set! Oliver Reed and Richard Burton would have fallen under the table by now. Oh no, her limit has been reached, she’s staggering off course. No, I was wrong she’s only heading to the toilet. However, this break to powder her nose has got her disqualified.

And All the days of Marmot takes advantage by squirreling into first place. This hat is set perfectly in that it does not cover the beautiful Bo Derekesque ears of the rider. The crowd don’t know whether to watch the Marmot or the ears. Suddenly the Marmot breaks free from its cage and makes a dart for a hedge. The crowd cheer. The Marmot turns round and blows Dolores a raspberry before burrowing its way to freedom.

This leaves the Vendee Helicopter a simple flight to the finish. The strains of Ride of the Valkyries plays in the background and Jon looks to have capped off a memorable victory. He flicks a V sign to the bookmakers below who dismissed his chances. Presumably the V is for Vendee. Wait a moment, there’s a horrendous smell polluting the air forcing Jon to beat a hasty retreat. From below one of the race goers with a Canary hat is wearing Monday socks but it’s Saturday. Has he been wearing them all week? And the Hat Race has been declared void. There are no winners. Oh well, there’s always next year.