Posted tagged ‘Stuntmen’

2.1 The Escalator

January 27, 2013


At this time in the morning the shopping centre was quiet. Ralph and Jeff walked at medium pace toward the escalator that would take them up to the food court. The escalator was exceedingly long and rose to a vast height. As they were about to step onto the moving staircase a man appeared quickly from nowhere and lunged in front of them. Ralph and Jeff stood behind the young man as they began the mobile trek upwardly.

Standing one rung in front of them the queue jumper had a hand on each of the rails of the escalator giving Ralph and Jeff no room to manoeuvre past him without contact. Ralph opened his palms in a “what the heck” gesture and Jeff pursed his lips while shaking his head. After what seemed an eternity of time and silence, the silence broken only by the driving mechanical noises of the device’s chains the three of them reached the end of the conveyor.

The food court had a variety of different outlets. After choosing their breakfast Ralph and Jeff settled down. Inevitably, conversation turned to the rude man that had jumped in front of them on the escalator.

“What about that man on the escalator?” was Jeff’s opening gambit.

“There ought to be laws and rules enforced on these things. Escalator legislation. Now I know our MPs are busy, still..” Ralph trailed off.

“What kind of rules?”

“The way I see it. Everyone should be made to walk on the escalator. Too many lazy folk just hop on and let themselves be carried away as if they‘re at the fairground.”

“It’s the way they’re brought up,” Jeff was speaking with his mouth full of food. “It’s too hard to change people’s mindset. They step on the staircase and Wa-Hey we’re getting a ride for nothing. Why walk when you can rest?”

“Well they should make these contraptions wider.”


“Yeah, wider,” the food court was getting busier as Ralph explained his plan for new legislation he wanted implemented. “when you widen the space you can paint lanes. Lanes. There should be lane laws on escalators just like there is on motorways. The inside lane is for the slow-moving lazy vehicles.” he raised his eyebrows in jest at the word vehicles. “And an outside lane for overtaking. This lane is for the walkers. The walkers are the busy ones that need to get to their rendezvous quicker.”

“It’s not going to happen. None of these places has the money or the space to make their escalators wider.” stymied Jeff.

“But they should do it. I mean look at the escalators now.” Both of them looked over at the moving escalators. The up and down coasters were filled to capacity with plenty of bodies going up and down. They were all packed together rung to rung like human sardines and no one was walking.

“At busy times like this the lanes would come in handy for those that have important meetings and have to leave quickly. It’s just a uniform mass of bodies coming to and fro. It will take us ages to get out of here. It’ll even take some time to get on the escalator as there’s a queue of people waiting to descend.” Ralph slumped in his seat.

“There is another way.” said Jeff.

“I’m listening.”

“Now we are big fans of cop shows and we could use this knowledge to our advantage.”

“I’m listening.”

Jeff explained the detail. “There’s always a chase scene in these programmes. I know you love the car chases but forget about a car chase. We don’t have a car. Think about a chase on foot. The bad guy is running away pursued by the unrelenting, focused cop. Usually, these chases take place on the streets and in the pursuit fruit stalls get knocked over and mesh fences are climbed. Forget about fruit stalls and mesh fences. We can be specific and only do the escalator scene.”

“The escalator scene?”

“One of us pretends to be the bad guy and runs down the escalator barging people out of the way while the other one waves a card in the air shouting “let me past, I’m a cop”. The “cop” also elbows his way down the stairs. It would be the best parting of the waves since Moses. You would make a terrific bad guy, you’ve got that look about you. That Rutger Hauer look. I could be the policeman. Once we’re outside the building we just stop and carry on as normal. This is the quick way to exit this place.” finished Jeff.

“You are a genius. Oh no, wait a minute, you don’t have a badge or a card on you. How will the commuters know you’re for real?” fretted Ralph.

“Wait for it. I have my library card with me. In the ensuing panic no one will know what card I’m flashing.”

“I’m done eating. Are we ready to go?”

“Yeah, let’s do it.”

They both inched toward the downward escalator. Clusters of families and couples and single persons and a few pet dogs were bunched in their way. They stood static waiting for the right time. Memories of the school playground and images of the girls chanting as they swirled skipping ropes came back to mind. The remembered angst of the hesitancy of when to find the right moment in time to jump into the ropes and keep up with the rhythm was what stalled them for a moment. Ralph gave Jeff a nod and he was off.

Ralph grabbed an old lady by her shoulders and pushed her to the side. Then he jumped over some young children as their mother screamed. Now he was on the escalator and elbowing his way through the crowd. Frightened travellers cowered as he descended the steps. Jeff then made his move. Holding his library card over his head he followed the devastating trail left by his friend. Jeff shouted

“Everybody, get out of the way, I’m a cop.”

Their little charade was working. Those on the lower rungs of the escalator aware of the commotion above them made a path for Ralph and Jeff to play their game of cops and robbers. Ralph was now on the ground floor and Jeff, putting his library card back in his pocket, said to himself that we’ve made it. Unfortunately, there was an unforeseen circumstance.

The queue jumping man that was on the escalator earlier shoulder tackled Ralph knocking him to the floor. Drat, thought Jeff, a have-a-go hero. We didn’t bank on one of them.

“I’m making as citizen’s arrest.” said the man who was by now sitting on Ralph’s chest. A huge baying crowd had surrounded the helpless Ralph. Melting from the horde of vigilantes and slipping out the side door was Ralph’s friend and would-be cop, Jeff.


Danse Macabre Daredevil

September 4, 2010

The bursting of a thousand clouds rains down on the speeding car. After pouring Jameson down his throat, Long Hair swore at his Sat Nav. The sexy voice in the machine told him he was lost and with great vengeance and furious anger he rips the device from its pedestal. At least the radio was working and the latest three songs on The Metal Chainsaw Show playlist were-

Motorhead- (We Are) The Road Crew

Iron Maiden- Dance of Death

AC/DC- Highway to Hell

Hazed and confused in a drunken stupor he drives on through the breaking levee monsoon. Soon he is confronted by a roadworks notice and a diversion sign.
“No stop signs, speed limit, Nobody’s gonna slow me down” screamed the ghost of Bon Scott from the speakers.
Crashing through the temporary blockade the next obstacle in his path was fifteen different road working heavy vehicles stretched in a line, obviously abandoned by the waterlogged workers. Long Hair hits the brakes and takes an inch of rubber from his tyres whilst his nose squashes the windscreen framing a grotesque pose.

Reversing ten feet the demented hirsute man lurches from the motor. Two giant girders catch his eye and with superhuman strength he lays them at right angles against the first tractor forming a slope. Unmindful of the abominable weather Long Hair howls a creature of Frankenstein cry and returns to the car. A triple helping of Jameson’s fuels him up and the engine revs.

Unleashing the beast of burden of the motorway, Long Hair’s night rider rides up the ramp and is airborne. Flying over the fifteen various digging machines he suddenly realises there is no landing platform at the other end and he bumps into the ground with an almighty sonic boom. Somehow, he controls the automobile in the relentless hail and in euphoria does a series of doughnuts.

“Ha, ha, ha, beat ya,” he yells “Evel Knievel could only jump fourteen double decker buses.”

Defying God’s law of gravity, the battered old car does a wheelie and Long Hair spins away into the dark.

*As Evel as ice-cream, Knievel of the Second Best, and as the Great Ayrton Senna said. “Being second is to be the first of the ones who lose.”