Posted tagged ‘spending cuts’

Day of the long knives

July 7, 2012

We have to cut more. Cuts, cuts and more cuts, that’s all you hear these days. Portugal is doing it, Italy is doing it, Greece is doing it. I bet even educated bees are doing it. And in these warm summer climes it’s probably for the best.

The hedge that grows on your head is fine for the winter months keeping all those nasty colds away, not when the better weather arrives and you‘re soaking in ponds of sweat. Then it is time for a cut.

I scan the countryside looking for a barber’s pole. They’re hard to find as they don’t hang the red and white pole horizontally out from the shop anymore. Due, probably to the old wives tale: It’s bad luck to walk under a barber’s pole when it falls.

Mustaine outhairs Heseltine

Somehow I manage to unearth an establishment of cutters. I enter with my leonine locks of Heseltine. Three empty chairs greet me and I sit on one of the seats of doom.

“What’ll ye be ‘avin?” said the uncouth brandisher of scissors.

“Give it a trim and we’ll see how it goes.”

The barber slices and dices and files and rasps and saws at my mane. He’s out of breath and wheezing down my neck. “We have to cut more.” I said in my best gothic Vince Cable voice; I can’t do George Osborne. The “stylist” hands me a carving knife. Obviously he’s confused by me using we. Not to hurt his feelings, I have a little carve at myself with his butcher’s knife.

Soon the play is over and it is time to look into the mirror. I wait and wait before staring into the abyss. It stares right back at me. A new customer enters the cavern and in the abyss all I see is the colour pink.

“Nice crew cut, sailor boy.”

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I only need the flimsiest of excuses to broadcast a Megadeth track but this was an actual request from Dolores. You are a star.

The hairy, snarling, pretty Dave Mustaine is captain, singer, lead guitar, chief songwriter, lyricist, penalty and free-kick taker for the band. He probably makes the tea as well. A Tout Le Monde is Megadeth’s lightest song, featuring guest vocals by Lacuna Coil’s Cristina Scabbia. Play it loud.

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CI’s Turkish shave vid. Any one fancy a Turkish bath next.