Posted tagged ‘short-term growth figures’

For want of a nail

October 26, 2011

It’s the little things in life that sometimes are the most important. This is probably because without having control of the smaller, seemingly minor, aspects of your day to day existence problems can grow out of all proportion. Police chiefs insist that by stopping less serious crime the criminally-minded won’t progress into the major leagues. I contacted the police to ask for a search party and was brushed-off politely. Private detectives also weren’t willing to investigate. Last week I lost my favourite set of nail clippers and no one would help to find them.

What’s wrong with that, you say? Nail clippers are ten a finger penny. You can buy them in any store in town. That might be so; in my experience nail clippers are all unique individuals with their own DNA. They all exhibit different characteristics in the same way that all guitar picks have varying temperaments. My lost nail clipper had just the right mix of sharpness and bluntness in its jaws to shape a nail perfectly. Its loss was hard to take.

My house has a whole armada of nail clippers and every one of them is useless. The sharp-shooting cutty shark clipper is more suited to clipping fingers than nails. Then there’s the old rusty Uri Geller clipper that bends the nail without cutting it. The worst of them is Buzz saw clipper. This defiler has steam pouring out of it as it slices the nails leaving them ragged. So you see I had to find the lost clipper.

With no sign or sight of the lost implement my nails were now growing out of hand; I had claws to make Wolverine jealous. Then my mind changed tack. Maybe long nails aren’t so bad. With tentacles like these-

● I can strip wallpaper without a scraper
● eat my food without using a knife and fork
● have no need of a shredder
● carve ice-cubes into ice figures

The advantages were far outweighing the disadvantages until the nails started to curl. The circular coils were digging into my wrists. There was no other thing for it than to bite my nails, though they were a foot long. I chewed and gnawed omnivorously tapering them down. Not since primary school had I tasted the sweet nectar of a nail. Suddenly I could feel an excruciating growing pain in my shoes. My larval toe nails, also unclipped, had forced themselves through the leather. There were ten new talons needing a trim.