Posted tagged ‘Rolls Royce cars’

Cast a long Silver Shadow

January 17, 2013

Bucking the trend in the stationary automobile market, Rolls-Royce Motor Cars made a profit last year. I was surprised to read that they did this whilst only selling 3,575 cars in the calendar year. Yet this figure represented the best sales in the company’s 108 years. Mind you their cheapest car starts at $250,000. No wonder their board members and customers are on first name terms. Valued consumers are invited to luxury days out at Rolls-Royce’s expense.

Rolls-Royce began life when Mr Rolls met Mr Royce in the Midland Hotel in Manchester. Royce was an electrical and mechanical engineer and started his own business. Rolls was a proprietor for a motor car dealership. Rolls got first billing in their partnership. I don’t know about you but it seems to me that Royce was the one that did the hard part yet he’s second fiddle. How much better would it have been to name their firm Royce-Rolls? At least one person not in the know would walk into their showroom, go up to the sales desk and ask for a roll and sausage.

There’s a long list of companies that should have their roles and their Royces reversed just for the sake of it: Decker and Black. Young and Ernst. Gamble & Proctor. Martin Lockheed. Mayer-Goldwyn-Metro (this way they can still keep their acronym) and finally, in tribute to Stan Boardman, Wulf-Focke.

As the luxury car market with its bespoke vehicles flourishes in the Global crisis spare a thought for the poor used car salesman. His lot is a full one. The sweet-talking, charming, snake-oiled, lying, misleading seller of Brand X motor cars is down on his luck. He yearns for the days of milk and honey and lots of money. It must be down-heartening looking at the roads outside his forecourt and seeing long lines of rollers scuttling past while his wares are unwanted. Then again, he is looking at pieces of beauty.


Big Day is coming

August 2, 2012

Saturday will be a big day. I have been selected as best man to my brother-in-law’s wedding. It will be an honour to be the “best”. Happy occasion as this will surely be for the excited couple I will have mixed feelings about the event.

Naturally, I will be pleased for the bride and groom as they are really nice people. There are other points regarding the wedding that I am worried about. I must tell you that I love weddings. If I had my way I’d marry my wife every day. And therein lies the problem. I cry my heart out at weddings. Even ones on TV. But as co-star in this production and one who has a responsible position I will have to keep the tears in check. We can’t have the official photographs full of blubbering snaps of the “best” doing a Gazza.

The meal. It is common knowledge that I am a clumsy eater. My food utensil to mouth coordination is not up to Olympic standards. Ordinarily, this wouldn’t bother me. It does other diners though that doesn’t bother me either; in a food fight I can custard pie with the “best” of them. It’s all to do with suits. We will be wearing hired suits. (we don’t do kilts, BTW, that’s for the numpties in other parts of the country) Taking the cuisine-coated suit back to the showroom could be nasty. It will definitely be taken to the cleaners and so could I. I’d better have a few bob at the ready.

And finally and I’m sure you’ll all have guessed what I am most apprehensive about. The speech. The “best” speech. Half the occupants at the reception are not known to me. Will they take to my stories? Will I have to tone down the excessive exaggerations? And if so, what will the known half say about this? Should I just hit a straight drive down the middle, upsetting no one? Decisions, decisions.

I’ll leave the dilemmas to Hamlet and stick with the tried and trusted. The speech has got to be full of hyperbolic, outlandish, fabricated embellishments. It’s what I do “best”.