Posted tagged ‘Personnel department’

This is your Life

January 21, 2010

Whilst attending a meeting of personnel directors in Bali last week the contentious issue of CV’s cropped up. The CV is of course, in many cases, the first impression employers have of potential staff and a well written clearly laid out CV can help to secure employment. There should be no spelling or syntax mistakes and recruiters are looking for the truth about your qualifications and experience.

Hopeful job seekers have been known to embellish their life story with wondrous tales or irrelevant information. The meeting descended into anecdotal stories of some of the greatest whoppers presented on paper. Although I didn’t see any chocolate offerings around, I was busy enjoying myself at the free buffet – dontcha think a junket just doesn’t sound the appropriate word for these gatherings- and quaffing on the expensive wines while the stories recounted were inducing much laughter.

The following is a selection of real CV quotes. Needless to say none of these people made the interview stage.

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook

I have been the Prime Minister of four different countries

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse

Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far

I am bilingual – fluent in English, Spanish and French

References: None. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me

The hiring managers were all rolling about the floor laughing and I joined in. Soon we were guffawing for all we were worth with tears streaming down our faces, falling off of chairs, slapping one another on the back and the odd “get out of here” said. Then another recruiter told of another CV he’d received.

“This man said on his CV. “I travel extensively: I goes to Spain for a fortnight every year. I am the world Kit-Kat eating champion and so good at sums I can count better than Dracula.” Well I tell you the howls of laughter spread right through the building until everybody in Bali, did I say Bali? I meant to say Blackpool, everybody in Blackpool was laughing. Except me. I wrote a lot of CV’s in my early days.

It’s not personal, it’s business

November 29, 2009

The title of this blog is Al Pacino’s famous Godfather quote before he gunned down a New York Police Captain. I am in a quandary of the same sort however I won’t be shooting any policeman that’s for sure. My problem is all about misunderstandings.

The header at the top of this page shows a photograph of my hard working secretary climbing the mountain of paperwork. She’s a bit of a dare devil and I always worry that she might fall. She doesn’t believe in harnesses or ladders. However, to any casual reader who stumbles across these economic articles they might think that she is me. I could be mistaken for a woman.

Having never worn a kilt in my life- it’s only the haddies from the highlands and east coast who don this- and not having a preference to wear make-up or high heels, to clear up any confusion I am thinking of dropping her from the page. This is a very hard business decision and could be referred to the Financial Services Authority. I’m also having nightmares of what work would be like without her.

There is a more serious misunderstanding.

My wife has visited the office a few times and she has told me to get rid of my secretary. I try to explain to her that good secretaries are hard to come by and there is nothing funny going on between us. Disastrously, my wife called one day when I was “lending a hand” to help my secretary up the mountain.

As you can imagine marital relations were strained for awhile. Poor JW was cooking his own meals and banished to the spare room. My Pacino impersonation and “It’s not personal, it’s strictly business” cut no ice with the frosty missus. Running out of ideas as a last resort I had to tell the truth. She’s only a random cut and paste photograph on a blog page and I don’t know her name or favourite colour or anything.

Relenting slightly, MrsW concurred that the secretary is good at her job and the company is rather busy at the moment. Phew! My next problem is telling my wife we’re so busy I might be employing another secretary. This lady’s CV was very impressive.