Posted tagged ‘nose jobs’


August 18, 2011

Having never been flush enough to afford a brand new car I always take a back seat when a more affluent neighbour waxes about the plastic and adhesive combination that makes their automobile smell like teen spirit. Go ahead, smell my car. I sniff and admit it is a great smell. A dealer should bottle this smell. It would sell like hot rods dogs.

In space there is no sound. Excluding, of course, the obligatory fart lurking in the space suit, we will have to ask Major Tom if there is any smell. Because, count them yourself, there are more aromas on earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy. As we speak there will be new smells bubbling away in a laboratory somewhere. The good ones will be mass-produced while the rotten ones will be thrown on the dung heap.

Then there are the odours that can evoke memories. We neglect the sense of smell as we much favour the lazier option of seeing. However, you can’t see smell. Sometimes perception can only be achieved via the olfactory nerves. A long forgotten scent might be tasted anew and you remember where you were when it first squatted in your nostrils. The nose can be a time machine. Though it’s not a genuine all-rounder as it is limited by not being able to smell what’s around the corner.

All noses have their own preferences. One man’s cologne is another mans Rot-Weiss Essen if we’re being Teutonic. Freshly cut grass is a prime example. While some smoke in the sweetness becoming pastorally poetical others are expelling all kinds of mucous from their blow holes. The human animal does have an exhalation problem or two. Hotel cleaners complain about unpleasant smells guests leave in their rooms. Unions have demanded the staff be given a uniform much like the outfit of The Hurt Locker bomb disposal guy. Some professions are more dangerous than others; cleaning is high-stress.

We must move on and finish with a high note. With great anticipation I shall stake out the newsagents with my tent. Tomorrow is Friday and a huge clutch of new magazines will be on sale. I love the newly-minted smell of new magazines in the morning. And I’m not alone. There are a pack of us, hungry as wolves, jostling for an inhalation of the glossy paper when the doors open. With great speed I will head for my favourite: the manifold, greasy, high torque, super-strength Tractor magazine, and bury my snout in it.