Posted tagged ‘Mathematics’

Of Maths and Men

September 26, 2015

Ordinarily The Royalist doesn’t have any sleeping problems. Recently -could be the cheese and beer diet, I don’t know- The Royalist (I’m picking up Bigjohn’s habit of speaking in the third person) has been suffering from slight insomnia. My remedy is not to count sheep, instead I make a mental list of all Kiss 7″ singles B-sides or I tally as many Spider-Man baddies as I can. Sometimes, in that haze like state between dozing off and sleeping I feel I’m making up new names of supervillains- I’m sure Spidey’s never fought a Grotesque Man or a Rubber Doll.

After exhausting my lists and still not off to the land of nod I figured I needed professional advice. A learned counsellor advised counting sheep. Sheesh Kebab! I’m from the city, we don’t do sheep here. Foxes we have plenty, some Irving set-free bears and a few gators in the sewers but no sheep. And why sheep? Why not count chickens, pre-hatch or otherwise? Yet, it seemed as if there was something in the counting that cured. Mathematics could solve my sleeplessness.

At breakfast, after a heavy night humming “Hot, Hot, Hotter Than Hell, She’ll burn you like the midday sun” (B-side of Let Me Go, Rock ‘N’ Roll) I counted the rice crispies in my bowl. 383. A prime Botham number.

Then I walked to the newsagent to pick up today’s copy of the Daily Asteroid. I had moved on from simple arithmetic into the triangular world of geometry. The shop was at a right angle to my house. A kind of Pythagorean Theorum was invoked when another urbanite animal passed me-

a square hippopotamus. a^2 + b^2 = c^2 ,

On my way to the park I deliberated over the probability of being run over by a car. Statistically, you are more likely to be hit by a motor than being struck by lightning yet I have been bolted by lightning many times. Without any harm, I should add, the positive Megadeth ions in my body repelled the electric charge sending the limp, lite light away with its tail between its legs. My musings were curtailed as a car splashed a puddle on the road onto me. If only I had stood a fraction either way..

At the park I fed some bread to the pterodactyls. Before I read the Asteroid it came to me that Calculus is a good name for a Spider-Man baddie. As is Algebratus and Count Vector. Further thinking involved the vexed question of  Kiss’, “Sure Know Something”. While being an A-side stateside, in the UK it was the B-side of “2000 Man”. Therefore, it was an A and a B and definitely a C-rated song. It covered all the angles.

Then I fell asleep on the bench.

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