Posted tagged ‘Liquid Gold’

Three men in a pool (not forgetting the beautiful mermaid)

July 16, 2011

It was time for my annual learn to swim escapade. Tutoring me were my sons. After last year’s disappointment they felt confident this time of turning their pupil into the Man from Atlantis. SAS techniques were to be adopted beginning with me being thrown into the pool.

“Not so fast.” I said. I picked up my knife, clenching it between my teeth.
“What are you doing?” they chimed.
“Weeess..rRthhcrroccc…oh.” I took the knife out of mouth. “I need this in case I see any crocodiles. Johnny Weissmuller never left home without a blade.”
“Who’s Johnny Weissmuller?” they piped.

I refused to answer not even giving them a clue by yodelling. Without a Google at hand they were all at sea. Google has a lot to answer for including killing the pub quiz. With great satisfaction my sons threw the non-swimmer into the pool.

My instructors joined me giving me a lecture before the next lesson. One of them said.
“You live on an island. You are surrounded by water. For survival you must learn to swim.”
I wished I lived in land-locked Bolivia. In the film version, Butch Cassidy took the kid to Bolivia where the terra-firma loving Sundance didn’t need to swim. Knowing my luck, though, I’d be drafted into Bolivia’s navy. You heard that right. The land-lubbing Bolivians have a navy.

The teaching continued. “The human body has natural buoyancy which allows you to float.”
My sons held me horizontally on the water’s surface. One boy was holding my stomach the other my legs. This was my first planking experience.
“When we let go, you will float.” They let go and I sank. Buoy, oh buoy.

While all the lessons were going on Mrs W was effortlessly doing lap after lap of the pool. She knew I was a lost cause. My sons were determined to prove her wrong. The next part of the training involved holding my breath while placing my head under water. I asked them to demonstrate and they both submerged.
In the distance my sensory analysis picked up something radiant. A rush of pleasure overtook me and I walked through the shallow end in a magnetic trance all the way to the pool bar.

Now I could happily drown myself here all day. Anchored on a high stool I enjoyed an array of bright coloured drinks while over there, go compare, the family swam, played volleyball and had a splashing time in the water. They gave me a wave now and then; it was the best of times for everyone.

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