Posted tagged ‘Horror movies’

Sharknado

August 1, 2013

SharknadoSharknado! Not one of my creations but it should be. I’ll just copy out the brief tantaliser from IMDB.

When a freak hurricane swamps Los Angeles, nature’s deadliest killer rules sea, land, and air as thousands of sharks terrorize the waterlogged populace.

That’s right, it’s raining sharks and this made for TV thriller is coming to the Syfy channel next week. With bated breath I can’t wait to watch the ridiculous CGI, corny dialogue and lashings of over acting from the “actors” in their death scenes. Call me Ishmael if you want sometimes a B-movie can be that bad it’s good. To join in the swing of things I’ll be watching Sharknado harnessed on the couch with my harpoon gun at the ready.

Movies with literal titles have always rocked my boat. As the adman says, it does exactly what it says on the tin. Anaconda, Strangers on a Train, Snakes on a Plane, High Noon, Alien vs. Predator, The Great Escape, Attack of the 50 foot woman. The list is endless and covers all genres.

Sharknado comes into the category of the disaster movie. The Golden Age of the disaster film is the 1970’s. There are many classic disasters in there: The Towering Inferno, The Poseidon Adventure, The Cassandra Crossing. It is harder to generate interest in impending doom vehicles as most of the calamities have been done to death using a tried and trusted formula.

The disaster genre needs a kick up the backside. My proposal for a title is-

Rampage of the Tennis Ball Machines.

It is 3040 and machines have developed until they are almost flawless. Up loading pictures to media galleries is as easy as drawing a Lada so Tennis Ball machines are programmed to fire cannons at every angle and speed imaginable and, now much improved, are capable of returning serves. A machine called Deep Blue Sea beats the Wimbledon champion in a man v machine contest. The victory goes to Deep Blue’s head and he attacks the spectators, including the Royal Box, with a procession of tennis ball volleys! King Will. i am II manages to be ushered to safety. Deep Blue gathers together his tennis ball machine pals and they rampage through London breaking windows with their balls. Looters emerge on the scene and steal the latest plastic TV’s and oil paintings. Art imitating life.

The top brass, aware of the crisis, lay out blueprints and see a blemish in the Deep Blue Sea make-up. If they can find a sharpshooter that can fire a tennis ball straight into Deep Blue Sea’s blowhole it will explode internally and all the other machines will retire unhurt as Deep Blue is the big baddie. Enter Andy Skywalker, the man with the killer groundstrokes.

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The Willow Farm massacre

July 18, 2013

In the beginning the pests only ate the crops. Then they evolved and now they have a taste for all flesh, especially human flesh.

“Run. Make for the highway.”

The last two remaining humans in Willow Farm desperately tried to keep ahead of the mutated insects that were feasting over the last of their prey. All other wildlife in the town had the same idea and there was a mass exodus of beasts beating a path out of there. The young man and woman hoped to find rescue from a passing car that would take them away from this B-movie nightmare.

—-

“BLUEEERRRGGGHHH”

The flurry of flies that Long Hair had swallowed while yawning was propelled out his mouth along with a generous amount of bile. He was in a foul mood as insects fleeing town had interfered with the transmission system of his radio. Knocking back a liberal dose of Jamesons whiskey he tried to tune into radio 666’s Metal Chainsaw Show. The last three songs played were-

Black Sabbath- End of the Beginning
Orange Goblin- A Eulogy for the Damned
Genesis- Willow Farm

Suddenly, in front of the car emerged the two young scared runaways from Willow Farm. Not stopping in time Long Hair banged into the youngsters, knocking them down. They got to their feet, still petrified by the danger they’d ran from that they felt no shock or pain from the road traffic accident.

“Help us, mister, please, you need to get us away from here. There’s a swarm of insects heading this way.”

“Swarming insects are edible, aren’t they?” asked Long Hair.

The girl was unrepentant in her apprehension. “Mister, you don’t understand. These are deadly flesh-eating creatures. They’ve destroyed our town and we’re the last of the townsfolk left alive. The swarm has wreathed a trail of devastation that is like something out of a cheap horror movie. You have seen horror movies, haven’t you?”

“I’ve seen Rob Zombie and Cannibal Corpse. Does that count?” said the driver, deadpan, “Anyway, can’t you just swat them?”

“There’s too many in the horde. Try as you might, swords, sabres and cutlasses are next to useless as their fury is unrelenting.”

swarm

A buzzing noise was getting clearer and louder. The two youngsters dived into Long Hair’s car and cowered in the back seat. Long Hair got out to look at the impending menace. In the air they darkened the sky. They were almost upon him when he took a large swig from his bottle of Jamesons fearing nothing, not even fear. The huge black cloud of terror descended on the solitary figure. The savage flock burrowed into Long Hair’s hair and enveloped his torso with their licks and bites and stings. They thought they were about to cut another notch on their bedstead of death but had reckoned without one significant factor.

The Jamesons had reacted with the acids in the stomach. From the pit of Long Hair’s bowels rose a vile, gassy waste that is one of the side effects of the alcohol. Gathering pace like a lightning guitar solo the gushing lava rushed to the surface and was violently expelled in the mother of all belches. Fifteen hundred locust in the epicentre dropped down dead instantly. They were the lucky ones. The survivors, suffering from nausea and dizziness, distraught, packed their bags and headed for the hills with their tails between their legs. Proving once more that chemical weapons are instruments of mass destruction.

Long hair kneeled down and picked up a handful of the downed beasts. He proceeded to wolf them down his gullet. In the back seat the youngsters tentatively looked out the window.

“Bring out the Jamesons, Supper’s ready.” said Long Hair.

Cast

Long Hair…as Himself
Young woman…Scarlett Johansson
Young man.. Daniel Day-Lewis

Directed by Steven Spielberg
Produced by Rick Rubin
Written by Gabriel Garcia Marquez based on a story by Nabokov
Wardrobe by Ikea
Sound effects by Monsieur Joseph Pujol

No insects were harmed in the making of this picture.