Posted tagged ‘Gym memberships’

All the Whizz from the Gym

April 25, 2015

The boy went and done it. He’d been threatening it for ages. “Dare Me,”  he’d say “Go on, dare me. I dare you.” He dared me. I dared him. He done it. My younger son joined a gym. This was one of those unforgettable days that happen in your life. It’s right up there with the fake moon landings and when Geri left the Spice Girls.

The only three words that came to mind were the same as Tom Jones’ plea to Delilah’s faithlessness. Why? Why? Why?

Who needs to pay exorbitant gym fees when you can run up and down the steps? You can do sit-ups/press-ups/throw-ups in the privacy of your own room. Weight lifting? There’s a perfectly good couch that can be clean and jerked over your head. Cleaned twice because while the settee is hoisted over and above the undiscovered part of the carpet, from the wings can come the hoover operator (MrsW) to vacuum under it. Proverbially, two birds have been killed with the one stone.

You can shadow box with your other self. Shadow boxing is all about punching fresh air and there’s plenty of that in the house. The only thing to watch out for is mistiming your reach and hitting your silhouette shadow that blackens the wall. It’s a sore hand for you and a slide to the floor for the knocked out shadow. 1 ah 2 ah 3 ah…

Keeping in trim is simply a matter of regular exercise. A couple of games of 5-a-side football every week will keep you fit as a Bette Midler. That’s what I do anyway. I used to play tennis but my reputation as school champion goes against me and no one will take me on…not even Andy Murray. Can you imagine how torn-faced he’d be when I slap a top spin backhand cross court volley against him?

Putting all these get yourself fit by yourself points to the boy, and of the folly of spending so much money on a wasted adventure he used the Bruce Forsyth defence and said it’s a generation game. He Ciceroed on the benefits of his newly acquired association with a membered club.

New treadmills and rowing machines have been installed.
Free coaching is available on request.
Unlimited usage of the premises. You could be there all day.
There are hot women that train there. It’s a unisexual gym.

Now I must admit the last “benefit” almost changed my thinking until I remembered I’ve got the hoover woman and she is a pretty penny. I stuck to my Luddite guns until the boy said that entering the gym is easy. He inserts his card and membership number in the turnstile and, Gringo he’s in. All you need is the card and the number. I said, are you telling me there’s no stewarding, no fingerprinting, no face recognition, no eye iris identification, no biometric profiling, no what’s your mother’s maiden name question just a simple four digit number. He said, yeah, that’s about right.

Right on! Two members for the price of one. When he’s not using the card I’ll go in his place. We are almost lookalikes. I have to admit though, that possibly other members, could think to themselves that the boy has put a bit of weight on since his last visit.