Posted tagged ‘Fortune tellers’

There’s a psychic in the kitchen

July 2, 2010

For as long as he could remember Basil Table-Manners had tried to predict the future. He was going round the bend trying to know what was around the corner. There was fame and fortune for famous fortune tellers.
He had tried most of the theories without success. The reading of tea leaves left him bone dry. The porcelain was pristine as Tetley tea bags don’t leak. The residue at the bottom of the mug was soggy digestive droppings and nobody reads much into them.

Looking for inspiration in the fridge, he found eggs. Taking six eggs Basil walked toward the hall mirror. I will read the signs in the decay, he said. He hurled the eggs at the looking glass and although they were free range he missed with one and hit the door.

The yolk and gloop dripped and congealed into an ugly Dorian Gray mush, making bizarre new landscapes with every slither of egg white. The augurs came upon Table-Manners auspiciously. And now enlightenment shined. The broken eggs had laid out, plain as bread, what would make his life better. From this day forth, he was to read The Guardian.

Wild celebration was put on hold as it dawned on him his wife would be home from work soon. Table-Manners saw dark visions of the future, a spouse as mad as mustard. He eyed the dishes in the sink and searched for the Fairy Liquid and rubber gloves.