Posted tagged ‘Feasts’

Stake Pie Supper

January 2, 2010

My wife’s weird sisters were giving me the creeps and I could take no more. They were conjuring up a New Year feast for the family and the ingredients would have made Caligula vomit all over his “Little Boots”.

An insect starter was being prepared and I had already seen the recipe. Fried crickets on the side plate beside a steaming hot dish of boiled silk worm grubs with sliced scorpion stings added for some bite. Heaven and hell knows what the main course would be so I planned to take evasive action.

The Christmas tree was still in its place at the window and I eyed an opportunity to escape. A well read reader like me had seen this plot device on many occasions. Stealthily I hid behind the decorated wooded plant. Lifting it slightly off the ground I moved slowly to the door. A rogue bauble fell and rolled past the relatives and into the coal fire making a hissing noise. Philosophically I wondered if there was no one in the house would it have made a sound.

My boasting brother-in-law was boring the other family members with his – me, me, me conversations. My grandmother never said a truer thing as when she observed of him “He’s a bigger bum than five asses.” However his blowing off of his own trumpet diverted attention away from the moving tree camouflaging me and I reached the door unnoticed.

Using the techniques of a tigress with the hunched shoulders and silent movement I managed to make it outside where I abandoned the tree. I was well on my way now and covered five miles in no time. The night was dark but the blue moon lit my way and I was as happy as Bruce Willis in Pulp Fiction after he’s retrieved his watch. The spring in my step was of trampoline proportions.

Now far, far from the madding crowd of witches and braggarts I found myself lost…and hungry. Suddenly thinking of the barking mad sisters menu was making me drool. I smacked my lips and wondered what would the main course consist of? My stomach was growling and hurting. Then I saw a rat. This looked like a tasty little rodent hoaching with fleas. Yum-yum.