Posted tagged ‘Expensive bar bills’

No half-measures, only Pints

April 7, 2011

I received, typed with gold lettering in a laminated card, an invitation to a fortieth birthday bash. Now this do was not going to be a picnic. The venue chosen was a hoity-toity place of splendour and snobbery; a five-star hotel with, I’d guess, three-ply toilet paper in their Louvre’s. Nothing wrong with any of these things and the free buffet at the party would be a treat; I had only one misgiving: the possible wallet-emptying price of the alcoholic drinks.

In these austere times, desperate measures are undertaken just to stay afloat. I planned to plan ahead by staking the joint out. My sources told me there was a soiree taking place and I cased the function hall of the hotel. Going undercover my investigations were in the style of all the great Private detectives: Jim Rockford, Thomas Magnum, and Lew Harper (called Archer, in the books).

Sitting in my car I eased down my Fedora beforea easing it up again as I couldn’t see a thing. It was eight in the morning. I was a bit early. Most of these parties don’t start until eight at night. No matter, I waited.

And waited. And waited. And waited. I watched a few waiters arrive. I had as much experience of waiting as them.

As night fell, guests appeared. I studied the young ladies closely. Not in a dirty old man type of way, that would be unprofessional. It was through the monitoring of the women’s handbags I would find out what I needed to know. My worst fears were realised. Every one of the females, beautifully dressed as they were, exquisite to a fault, turned up to the ball with a huge handbag. Their bags were expensive and stylish but they were overly large compared to the rest of their outfits. Soberly, I went home with food for thought.

There are many traditions in the West of Scotland and one of the old ones would have to be pulled out of the hat or more accurately, the bag, for the upcoming event. It was clear that the ladies were smuggling drinks into the hotel. Using lookouts these drinks were then dispensed from the bountiful stores in their handbags/suitcases into the obligatory, so as to not arouse suspicion, glass of paid for alcohol, thus laundering the elicit goods.

Mostly, it is bottled spirits, vodka or gin that are illegally carried into the over-priced bars. My predicament is that I don’t drink spirits. How can I get nine of the best buys in beer past the bouncers?