Posted tagged ‘enemy of the people’

2.4 The jam finger bun

September 12, 2013

“Do you think policemen really like doughnuts?” Ralph asked while biting into another slice of his jam finger bun.

“To be honest, I think it’s a myth.” his friend Jeff answered. Jeff was approaching the end zone of his jam finger bun.

“I hate to sound defeatist like C3PO but I’ve got a bad feeling about this, Jeff.”

“What, the police and doughnuts?”

“No, it’s this bun. I’m halfway through it and I’ve not came across any jam yet. You’ve plenty of jam on yours.” Ralph took another bite. “Still nothing.” He ate the last piece. “what a con. Nothing.”

“Here, have a bit of mine.” offered the philanthropic Jeff. Ralph, never one to turn his nose up at a friend’s generosity, wolfed down the remaining jam-filled slice of Jeff’s jam finger bun, consequently causing an explosion of dough and jam.

“I’ve a good mind to go back to the take away and complain that my finger bun had no jam in it.”

“Trouble is, Ralph, you’ve ate the whole thing. It’s only your word against the bakeries. I don’t know if you’ve got a good case or not.”

“I’ve got statutory rights.”

Marching with indignant steps of the longest stride, the righteous pair found themselves back at the take away that had not injected jam into the finger bun. There was a queue, there’s always a queue, yet Ralph had mitigating circumstances to skip the hungry queue. Coming face to face with the seller Ralph launched into a rant.

“What racquet are you lot dealing in here? That jam finger bun you sold me had no jam in it. It was a plain finger bun and I demand another bun. One with jam in it.”

“Certainly, sir.” the sales girl was a model of restraint, used to dealing with the unruly elements of the public. “give me back the bun you bought and I’ll replace it.”

“I’ve ate it.”

“You’ve ate it.”

“umm.. Yeah”

From out of the queue sprang an angry voice. “Not content with being a queue jumping bun-hopper, you’re now trying to wheel another bun for yourself. At the end of the day that extra bun could have went to someone else. When they’re gone, they’re gone. Go home, loser”

Ralph, who was right, was not leaving before he was satisfied. “My bun had no jam in it. Somebody’s fault, not mine. For me to know there was no jam in it I had to eat it. You can’t look at a bun and say to yourself “there’s no jam in this bun”, you have to get to the inside of it. Tell them Jeff.”

Jeff had joined the back of the queue, hungry again after giving away the last piece of his bun to his friend, the last piece is always the best, he was going to buy another bun. “His bun did have no jam in it.”

“See. See.” Jeff’s corroboration should have ended the stand-off but he had reckoned without the angry voice in the queue.

“Well, how come you’ve got a jam stain on your collar?”

Everyone in the queue titled their heads askance as did the sales girl and they examined Ralph’s collar. Sure as pillar boxes are red there was an incriminating newly-formed jam stain on the white collar. The result of the uncontrolled bite of Jeff’s bun with the inevitable spillage, which unfortunately landed on his collar. Ralph scrambled for his excuse.

“No, no, Jeff gave me a bite of-”

“-Is there a problem here?” the long arm of the law had joined the queue in the form of two stormtrooper policemen. Whether or not they were going to have doughnuts was not revealed. Their cop intuition told them that Ralph was the cause of the commotion and one of them said to him. “Sir, I am going to ask you to accompany us outside.”

Ralph moved outside and the impatient queue breathed a sigh of relief.