Posted tagged ‘conservative party’

It’s good for you but it hurts

October 7, 2009

The Conservative party conference in Manchester this week revealed some of the measures they will implement to help the limping economy. The retirement age for men will go up to sixty-six. Talk about beating a man with a walking stick. This extra year will save £13 billion pound of pension payments. To add insult to injury, the year proposed, 2016, is a leap year. So that’s one more day I need to work.

Swinging cuts in the public sector and savage pay reductions for bureaucrats will also alleviate the strain and drain on public debt. A lot of unripe quangos will be quashed. Quangos do sound like a kind of orange, don’t they? The Tories aim to peel the red tape from this poisonous fruit and suck out all the badness. Indeed, the whole country is in dire need of medicine and the cure will be painful.

This links us nicely to quack medicine. Having a history of back problems the slogan for the new product by the Bed Of Nails PLC caught my eye like the arrow that speared King Harold Godwinson at Hastings. “Acupuncture while you sleep and the kids won’t ever jump on this bed.”

Unfortunately I didn’t read the small print and the bed came flat pack. I had to hammer one thousand and one nails into the wooden mattress. A good few sore thumbs- now bandaged up- later and I was that tired I could have slept on a bed of coals. I lay down on the bed of nails and believe it or not, it was comfortable. During the night I got an itch but one short rub on a nail and it was gone.

The nailed bed is so comfy it has lowered my snoring to the noise of a pin drop. Other fringe benefits include an increased immune system and high pain threshold. In these harsh economic times, if nothing else, it’s good to be healthy. The only drawback I have noticed since slumbering on the bed of nails is that when I drink the liquid sieves out my back like a fountain.