Posted tagged ‘Bigjohn’

Bigjohn 4

May 8, 2016

The Daily Asteroid columnist, Bigjohn, has kindly syndicated more of his articles for publication. Don’t say we’re not good to you.

The Tip Tax

The government’s new austerity measures have forced them into implementing a new tax. Bigjohn states, it was bound to happen. Think about it. You tip a taxi driver but don’t tip a bus driver. You tip a waiter but don’t tip a walker. You tip rubbish but never a syndicated writer. Therefore, the haves are getting their tips taxed. The Tip Tax has caused controversy.

Junior barbers have gone on strike. We can’t live without our tips, they say. This is cutting our standard of living, they also say. The standard of junior barbers’ cutting is questionable. Bigjohn says some of them are more like junior butchers than barbers.

This is one strike Bigjohn is glad of. It means his long locks will be trimmed by a professional senior barber. Bigjohn hummed Bring Me Sunshine as he sashayed to the barber’s chair. Just the usual.

News came over the radio that the government had backed down and the Tip Tax was being scrapped. The have-nots like Bigjohn sighed. He looked in the mirror and saw that the professional had taken a back seat. On the case was a junior barber, out of practice, and back on the job. That’s not clippers,  Bigjohn thought, the junior barber is holding a chainsaw and muttering something about crossing a picket line.

 

Celebrity Watch

Bigjohn was at a C-listers party where conversation was dull and monotony was the only game in town. Proceedings livened up when the beautiful Nicole Kidman made an entrance. Nicole’s features could have been sculpted by  Alexandros of Antioch with the only change being she still had her arms.

The crowds parted before her like the Red Sea. Truly, Bigjohn was staring at a goddess. Bigjohn is not slow in coming forward and he was going to approach the star but this time he didn’t need to. She was approaching him…(Take My Breath Away was playing in the background)

She was nearing Bigjohn and he was trying hard to contain his excitement. Now, just a few feet away Bigjohn prepared to embrace Nicole Kidman. He cuddled fresh air.

She walked past him and started kissing a small man that was behind Bigjohn. Is Kidman kidding me? The object of her affection was some bloke called Sergei the Meerkat.

A Diet of Worms

Bigjohn’s agent had got him a lucrative gig. With flagging audience figures the producers of I’m a Celebrity, Get me out of Here wanted bigger profile stars in their production. The original Bigjohn was just what the nation of aborigines needed. Bigjohn slapped his agent on the back knocking his falsies out. What a gig!

A free holiday in Australia, all meals provided and a shedload of appearance money to boot. Bigjohn would also like it on his CV that he was the King of the Jungle. Doing the trials and eating bushtucker meat would be a piece of cake. Bigjohn couldn’t wait to tuck into a kangaroo burger and Didgeridoo steaks.

The agent said “They’ll probably get Bigjohn to eat cheesy worms.” Alarm bells rang, Dingo, Dingo, Dingo ! This isn’t the gig Bigjohn is looking for. He slapped his agent again; this time in the ribs. The producers were told that syndicated writers were too busy writing copy to participate. Bigjohn slithered back to his desk.

 

 

 

Bigjohn 3

October 31, 2015

The Daily Asteroid columnist, Bigjohn, has kindly syndicated more of his articles for publication. Thanks Bigjohn, take it away.

Save the Calves

Vellum is so last century (or earlier) according to a committee of MPs. Vellum, which is calfskin, has formally recorded all acts of parliament since the year dot.* This long lasting, durable, weather proof, water proof, fool proof, animal skin will be usurped by paper and purely as a cost cutting exercise. Paper, as we all know, is not very resilient. Drop your book in a puddle and you won’t be singing in the rain.

In modern times all sorts of e-thingys (e-mail, for one) have knocked the stuffing out of paper. Now, thanks to the committee, paper can land a blow on the little lambs.The bullied becomes a bully.

Bigjohn thinks that if the MPs want to preserve the calfskins why don’t they use their own? It’s certainly thick enough. They wouldn’t miss a pound or two of skin. More than plenty to write up all the new laws. The query is where to take the skin from. Obviously, the neck is 100% brass but let’s stick to tradition. Use their calves. Let’s flay the MPs. Flay them. Flay them good.

Bigjohn has been watching a lot of Hannibal the Cannibal films recently. He wants to bring art to real life.

*Bigjohn hopes that all readers noticed that after writing the word dot he used a dot (full stop). Dot Dot in morse means I. Aye.

 

(Tech) Celebrity Watch

TC, Apple Inc. CEO

It’s not everyday that you run into Tim Cook but Bigjohn did the other day. Tim was in his Ferrari, idling at a red light when Bigjohn shunted the CEO of Apple Inc. As is the norm in accidents of this nature we exchanged insurance and suchlike details. Tim, the innocent party in this ordeal, was very friendly, as you probably would be if you were a billionaire. Bigjohn thought it was time to speak his mind.

“Apple is a not very original word. Original sin, maybe, what with the Garden of Eden and all that but not as a company name. Too kindergarten. Annie Apple, for example.”

Nice guy Tim, the friendly billionaire CEO blew a gasket. “Apple is the world’s largest technology company by assets. Without us there would be no i-pad, no i-phone, no i-pod, no i anything. No dot dot.”

“That may be true,” responded Bigjohn, ” But you’ve got to admit banana is a better word. And a better fruit if your taste buds got a vote on it. Banana would have been a better company name. Think about it. Your new phone could be called the Banana Manama 6.”

Tim jumped back in his Ferrari and vroomed, vroomed away. Bigjohn was in King Louie mood and sang “I wanna be like you-oo-oo.”

 

 
Happy Halloween everyone

No self-respecting gothic horror blog could let Halloween pass without a scary story. Read on at your peril.

Bigjohn was relaxing in the bath when it appeared before his eyes, dangling from a string- A giant talking spider. The massive arachnid uttered in an insectoid voice. “I’m the daddy of all spiders.”

Good for you, piped the soaping Bigjohn. He rolled up his Daily Asteroid until it resembled a baseball bat. He let fly at the spider. His soaking rag missed. But the downdraft, backdraft, oh heaven knows what, some kind of draft made the spider swing from side to side on his web string. Back and forth. Back and forth. Bigjohn was hypnotised. He was at the mercy of the daddy of all spiders.

 

Bigjohn 2

September 18, 2015

The famous columnist for the Daily Asteroid, Bigjohn, has agreed to syndicate more of his articles for publication right here. Thanks, Bigjohn.  You have the floor.

Call the midwife or someone with a white suit

Forget Rollermania it’s all Retromania these days. Vinyl is back on the record shelves and shifting more and more units. There’s a UK top 40 vinyl chart. The indestructible CD is being destroyed by a piece of plastic. Rotary dial old style phones are available in the shops again and being lapped up by the public. Personally, Bigjohn always thought they were cumbersome and by the time the three marathon circuits of 999 was dialled the robber had got away. But the push button phone is on the slide.

The biggest comeback of all is that Old Labour are back in town. The election of the left-wing Jeremy Corbyn as leader of the Labour party has brought back memories of the Trade Union days of the 70s. Bigjohn told his mum that traditional labour is here again and new Labour is no more. She was chuffed to pieces.

“Now they’ll know what it was like. Didn’t know they were born these new labourites, what with their epidurals and air and gas and all those pain relief remedies. In my day it were all hot water and towels.”

Bigjohn weighed 13lbs 9 when he were born.

A Flagging Toy

Lego must be one of the least exciting toys invented. Lacking the engineering and architectural skills of Meccano, the Lego blocks are still more popular with budding builders.

Bigjohn was forced on a family outing to LEGOLAND.  While being mildly impressed with Miniland and its depictions (in Lego form) of various cities of the world it was the Lego shop Bigjohn was there for.

Ignoring the pricey Millennium Falcon and Jurassic World models he headed straight to the interactive part of the shop. There was a table filled with Lego bricks for the customers to experiment with. Interlocking red, white and blue bricks Bigjohn made two flags depending on the rotation of the piece: the Netherlands or France. That’s the Meccano mind at work.

Celebrity Watch

At a recent dinner party held in a posh hotel Bigjohn spotted Johnny Depp at the champagne bar. Now Bigjohn is a bit of a looker even if he says so himself and he is nothing if not slow in coming forward. He ambled up to Depp and said. “It’s not often you’re the second best looking man in the room, eh Johnny boy?”

Depp swung into Captain Jack Sparrow mode and replied. “What the devil. Hassh David Beckham turned up?”

Bigjohn walked the plank back to the Discount Bar.

It’s A Cop’s Fair

In an effort to increase funding the Metropolitan Police Service (MPS) have came up with a novel idea. They are selling off some old bric-a-brac. Bigjohn seen some old Bobbies on the beat helmets and a policeman’s whistle at one of the stalls. If cops memorabilia is your thing you should head down to the Met office today. They’re calling it the Scotland Yard Sale.

Bigjohn

August 13, 2015

All the Whizz from Bizz is proud to announce a major scoop for this website. The famous columnist for the Daily Asteroid, Bigjohn, has agreed to syndicate a few of his articles for publication right here. Thanks, Bigjohn. Over to you.

All Rise for the Wizard MPs

Pay rises for MPs recently jumped from £67,000 to £74,000. A 10% increase. This was met with uproar from certain other MPs (members of the public). The salary of elected representatives should be respected by the public. We don’t want our parliamentarians living in hardship, now do we? Put the pitchforks away and cut these guys and dolls some slack. They’re only making up for lost time. From 1831 to 1965 the basic salary of a senior Minister remained at £5,000. The 1965 vintage got the ball rolling.

And boy does it roll. The Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority (IPSA) are calling the shots. They decide their pay. The ball’s still rolling. It’s like a giant game of pinball. IPSA are flipping like mad. They’re nudging, bumping and ramping up the points. The machine is lighting up and large bonuses are being awarded. Bigjohn is enjoying watching this. It doesn’t look as if the ball will go into the drain any time soon.

Celebrity Watch

Spotted at my local pool hall, none other than five times World Snooker Champion, Ronnie “the Rocket” O’Sullivan. Bigjohn is not slow in coming forward and he made an approach shot to the snooker star. He challenged RonnieO to a frame. The Rocket flared at me and snarled. “What’s your highest break?”

Bigjohn replied. My collarbone.

A Modern Day Sweeney Todd

Bigjohn’s hair was needing a cut so he went for a hair cut. Bigjohn nearly choked on his fringe when he saw that three of his usual barbers were not there. He asked the owner, little Mar.

“Why Mar, have you sacked the three old hairdressers?”

Little Mar said “They were in the pub planning on taking over this place but I stopped their putsch at source.”

Conflicting history stories at play here. Another case of Night of the Long Knives or perhaps, Night of the Long Scissors.

Plug In Baby

It’s a new age. It’s a new man. It’s a new dawn. it’s a new day. It’s a new life.

Bigjohn seen his first electric car yesterday. There it was being amped up at a well-known Swedish furniture retailer’s car park. Time to splice two of Gary Numan’s (and the Tubeway Army) finest into one.

Are Cars Electric?