Not in Wisden #13: First Aid C/DC

The dangerous ritual in cricket whereby a fielder on catching the ball hurls it up into the air in celebration is an accident waiting to happen because they forget, while rejoicing, that the ball is too hard and could land on them with a glorious thud. Wouldn’t it be safer simply clenching a fist or having a slide along the ground to signify their delight? Or doing a Giggsy by taking the jumper off and circling it around like a wheel?

Thus it was that at a GDCCC (Glasgow and District County Cricket Championship) match that the inevitable happened. Cranhillshire were having a local derby against Ruchazieshire when fate chapped on the door and like the meter reading man was given entry.

The young Cranhillshire backward point, Gus Young, had taken a marvellous acrobatic diving catch. Thunderstruck, with great joy he propelled the ball upwards on the highway to heaven. Alas, Alad, Alaughingstock, what goes up…

Gus’ jubilation was cut short when the projectile returned to sender. He was whacked on the head by the incoming missile and blacked out.

The other players were going to continue the game until they realised they were a man down. Brite Spark, one of Cranhill’s finest lamp salesmen suggested some shock therapy to revive grounded Gus.

“Let’s give him some high voltage electric shock treatment. I’ll get some of my lamps and hot wire them. Everybody stand clear. I’m going to give him a buzz.”

“Hold on, hold on” reasoned Barmullochshire’s The Professor who was spectating at this event. “That won’t work. He’s lying flat on the earth. The earth connection will neutralise your Live Wires.”  he further reasoned with his dodgy science knowledge.

Ruchazie’s Jakey Van Helsing offered a more bloodthirsty remedy.

“Get one of the wickets and drive it straight through his heart. I like nothing better than the sound of willow on flesh in the morning.”

“Wait a sec. Hell’s Bells” said the umpire, Bumble Bee “In the GDCCC we play with a tennis ball not the regulation Dukes. There should be nothing wrong with Young. A tennis ball’s not ‘ard”

Heeding Bumble’s words of  Wisden wisdom Gus jumped up like a schoolboy. His act was all an act. It was time to resume the action. Play.


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4 Comments on “Not in Wisden #13: First Aid C/DC”

  1. Fab story, JW , and as if it was happening before my very eyes! (I vote for a Giggsy). Cunning twist at the end too.
    Furthermore, with nerry a peek at Google I`ve Learned so much – Dukes, wires, willow… I shan`t forget.

  2. theroyalist Says:

    And I’m sure you noticed the obvious AC/DC song titles and allusions, Dolores. Mad rock n roller that you are.

    Here’s Giggsy just before he circles it like a wheel.

  3. YES indeed, JW! OK, I`ve just re-read and can find not a single title or allusion – could it be “lamp salesmen”?
    Anyway, appreciate the furry chest thankee (pre any circling was prudent, I think)

  4. theroyalist Says:

    Dolores, you are a star.

    I will tell Angus Young, AC/DC’s guitarist (born in Cranhill, Glasgow) that they must put a track called “Lamp Salesman” on their next album.

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