3.2 The Birthday Present

“That’s what friends are for, Ralph”

Ralph gives his friend, Jeff, a warm handshake. Man hugs in this rough public bar would result in beer and blood being spilled so the simple shake would suffice. Although the pledged present was that good Ralph would have gone the whole frog and kissed Jeff’s cheeks, French style.

“So this can happen anytime?” asked Ralph.

“On the day. Anytime.”

“It is amazing what these entrepreneurs think of. This will be the most exciting birthday present I will ever have had. I can’t wait to do some amatuer dramatics and suspend my reality.”

“I knew you’d like it. Have a good one. Right, we going home now.”

The two men leave the inn and head to Ralph’s car as it was his turn not to drink tonight, though Ralph is drunk with anticipation of his birthday tomorrow and the special gift. Just as he beeps his car doors open a stranger emerges from the dark with a gun in his hand and shouts.

“Open the trunk or I’ll shoot.”

Jeff is terrified while Ralph suppresses a smile and lifts open the boot.

“Gimme the keys then both of you get in the trunk.” Demands the gun-toting maniac.

“Wait a minute,” says Ralph “He’s not supposed to come along.” He points at Jeff. “I’m the one you’re after.”

“Shut up and get in.” For good measure the carjacker hits Jeff on the head with the side of his gun. Car Blimey, this guy is really good, thinks Ralph, Jeff’s head is cut. Nice to see him take a hit and just for me.

The two hostages are bundled into the boot arguing with one another about the lack of space. After much jostling the pair of them twist into the confined area. The robber slams the lid shut leaving Ralph and Jeff in darkness, cramped and literally cheek to cheek.

“This is the works, isn’t it?” Says Ralph

“What are you talking about?”

“My birthday present. I have always wanted to be in the boot of a car driven by a gangster. I see it so many times in films. You said that Fantasy Dreams are a compnay that provides actors that cater for all your needs. I’m telling you that robber is one nasty piece of work. What an actor! Thank you Fantasy Dreams I’ve enjoyed the interaction. And thanks, Jeff. I can mark this one off the Bucket List.”

“You fool. Your birthday is not until tomorrow.”

“What, you mean…”

“Yes. We have been mugged. For real.”

Just then with a screech of the tyres the car shoots off and the two passengers are jolted back and forth as the car at breakneck speed hurtles over the potholed ground. Bruised and battered the two prisoners have no wriggle room in their tightly-packed cocoon. Ralph is first to complain.

“This is all your fault, Jeff.”

“And how do you work that one out?”

“It was your idea to drink at the Scarface Arms. You know what the clientele is like in there.”

Jeff protests “I wanted to get you in the mood for your hijacking tomorrow so I brought you to a rough area. Uhh, your present. Do you still want it or should I cancel the booking?”

Before Ralph can answer there is the unmistakeable blaring sound of alarms and loudspeakers. The police are obviously on the scene. Undetterred, the car thief speeds on his way. Then gun shots are heard as an almighty shoot out is in earnest. A bullet hits the boot of the car narrowly missing Ralph. Jeff has no sympathy for him. As the firefight rages on, he says.

“Why didn’t you just ask for a cardigan as usual.”

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4 Comments on “3.2 The Birthday Present”


  1. Blimey JW, you post at machine-gun rate, and this one is Just like NYPD Blue! Fantasy Dreams are a company providing actors for all our needs? Well my birthday is only eight months off – I`ll ring Immediately.

    (Did Jeff and Ralph make it)?

  2. theroyalist Says:

    Happy Valentine’s Day, Dolores (and happy birthday Ralph)

    Machine gun blogs are easy to write, you should see the posts that don’t make it to the publish stage; they take absurdity to new lengths.

    Don’t worry about Ralph and Jeff. They are born survivors. This little escapade is a walk in the park for them.

  3. Expat Says:

    Guns, carjacking, high speed chases…sounds like a typical Saturday night at my local biker bar!

  4. theroyalist Says:

    That local of yours is far too exciting for me, Expat. Thank goodness I live in a nice quiet area……


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