This week’s business news (set to music)

It’s been a busy week at Whizz Towers.

Overture: To get a gist of the genre I have feasted my eyes and ears on the best musicals ever made: Grease 2, Xanadu and Sunshine On Leith. Now I can embark on my next project- writing a musical. It seems quite easy enough. A little bit of plot, a sprinkling of dialogue, some choreography here and there and a few catchy songs. I have some unfinished lyrics that have still to be tidied up slightly that should feature in the production. In this scene the male star is trying to woo the lead lady as he sings.


Don’t believe that fortune teller

When she says I’m a bad fella

Stop reading those tea leaves

All: (he wears tank tops)

There’s nothing under my sleeves


Staple your Heart to mine

Staple your Heart to mine

If you’ve got the time

I’ve got the staple gun

Let’s become one

Staple your Heart to mine.


The star running amok with the staple gun during this episode, extras fleeing all over the ship, would be good drama. So far, so good. The only snag is that I can’t play any musical instrument. Not a note. The musical will have to be put, just like Disney, on ice…

To take my mind off this tragic oversight I visited my old friend, Chibber. We enjoyed watching one of his favourite movies: Rampage of the Demonic Troll; Chibber always cries at the end of that one; the Troll dies (sorry about the spoiler, but thankfully you won’t need to watch it now).

The Chibber family have an extensive DVD library that is floor to ceiling stacked with shelf after shelf of discs. Truly, it is a Blockbuster sight. And it is in a kind of an orderly fashion. The vast collection covers a wide range of fields. There’s horror, comedy, action and a collection of music DVDs. One day my musical will be in there.

As he was putting the Demonic Troll disc back in its place I remarked that isn’t it funny how we both hate Googling. If there’s a question we don’t know we would prefer to either rack our brain cells or guess at the answer. There is a third way. We haven’t a Scooby and we chose to live in ignorance rather than use a search engine. Knowledge is power, my uneducated left foot.

Anyway, I remarked again that he has a system in place for cataloguing his DVDs. Wouldn’t it be good to randomise them and mix them up. It would be even better to turn the cases around so that you can’t see the name of the disc. There would be row after row of nameless discs all looking the same. Devoid of personality. Communism has prevailed over capitalism.

I fully expected this left-field idea to be piranhaed at birth. But it wasn’t. Chibber gave it full Marx as he replied. “Genesis! Let’s go back to the dawn of man. We will reverse the DVD cases.”

For an hour we mixed all the shelves up, juggling the DVD’s from one place to another and putting them the wrong way round. Eventually, we had changed all the DVD’s round so that no name was visible. Mission accomplished.

“You’ll need Lady Luck on your side to find something. ” beamed Chibber.

Just then Chibber’s wife arrived home. The only person more formidable than Chibber is Mrs Chibber. Kipling was right, the female of the species is more deadlier than the male.

“I couldn’t half go a watch of Phil Collins Live in Paris. Dig the disc out for me, will you Chibber?”


Me and Chibber looked at one another without joy. I said. “Hello. I must be going.”

I’m sure I heard a chainsaw buzzing on my way out. The Chibbers. A real-life reality show.

Time is precious and, while commuting, to avoid the crowds of land living humans I decided to take a short cut home through the sewers. I know the sewers like the back of my hand having mapped them during a spare weekend but this time I was chased out of my natural habitat by an angry, territorial alligator. I had two choices- go to the UN for a security council resolution or bomb the Everglades in retaliation. Where’s my Rocket launcher?

Coda: A musical without music would be novel. Nevertheless, I plan to compose melodies and complicated key changes because hey, Presto! even the greats have been known to write duff music. Though it does take a particular kind of genius to write something deliberately so bad it’s good.


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2 Comments on “This week’s business news (set to music)”

  1. Well I tried singing `Staple your heart to mine` to Mozart`s Musical Joke but it doesn`t seem to fit. The DUN-DUN-DUUUUN, however, is perfect for it – can`t wait for the release.

    What the hell`s a Scooby? Shall Not google after your mocking; have few brain cells to rack so I Guessed at Some Kind of Kitchen Implement with Teeth. You`re right – it works! Although I prefer Bing these days for it`s beauteous background pictures – yesterday was a mountain goat, CHEWING! (possibly its cud…)

  2. theroyalist Says:

    Well played, Dolores. In keeping with the violence of the blog a Scooby will forever be a kitchen implement with teeth. Alas, Aladdin, Alaska, the real meaning is less exciting.

    A Scooby is one of those rhyming slang thingys with a section of the name dropped, usually for laziness. A Scooby is the shortened form of Scooby-Doo and means.. DUN DUN DUUUUN clue or, as it used in my story- haven’t got a clue. Another rhymy slangy that loses a part is Butcher’s Hook (to have a look). This can be miniaturised to plain Butcher’s.

    Shall endeavour to make my own rhyming slangs up in the future. A piece of cake, it shouldn’t be cubic yard.

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