Archive for October 2014

Third Floor Heaven

October 9, 2014

Religion is one of the three main blog topics that are considered taboo. Sex and politics being the other two. I know nothing about sex or politics so we won‘t be going there, however, I am going to touch upon the subject of religion for the first time on these pages. In a completely non-controversial way, of course. I’m not here to convert the unbeliever I’d just like to share a little enlightenment that occurred during a prayer at one of my church appearances.

Before we get there I must say I haven’t always been one of the flock. My boyhood recollections of church going were limited to forced visits by the school authorities. These occasions were rare but we did have a minister preach to us once a week during assembly. The teachers would be spread out at the sides stewarding the pupils. They were making sure we were paying attention and praying with our eyes shut while the minister administered the word of God. Nobody really took any notice of the preacher and a pupil or two misbehaved…

The minister of my church was saying a lengthy prayer and I’d lost track of his theme. It was then that I thought back on those atheistic school days. I remembered many of the children sticking their chewing gum on the chairs in front of them. You won’t believe this but one of the perpetrators was a boy named Kirk. I checked the pew in front of me. Frisking it. Nothing. Praise the Lord.

The prayer was still in progress and then another thing hit me. In the old days we always had our eyes scrunched up shut. Opening them was against the law. Now I am an adult I had free will to do as I please. Mine eyes were open and looking down at the floor where I saw…glory.images

Wooden Flooring.

Now there’s a subject I could talk about all day.

Wooden flooring. A gift from the Gods.

I have destroyed the carpets and ripped the wax floor from its roots in my urban habitat. I live in a wooden environment where carpet burns do not exist. The whole world should be wooden floored. Who wants to trudge in shag pile carpets, heavy-legged, picking up all sorts of bugs in the fabric when you can slide or dive along the smooth floor? You can award yourself points for artistic impression depending on the gracefulness of the slide.

And then there’s the designs. Beautiful, just beautiful. Here are some choice cuts.

hardwood-flooring-patterns-SFWAD

wood-flooring

parquetdeversailles

The Damascene moment came when I thought of a jigsaw patterned wooden floor.

enigma-puzzle-hardwood-flooring

Violins! I am going to buy blocks of wood, cut them into jigsaw pieces and redo my uppermost floor. The lobster is my oyster, I mean, the loft is my oyster. There’s no way my wife would let me experiment on the house floor. Wild dreams took over like a holy spirit. I was possessed in an interlocked frenzy. Visions rained down on me in thousands of odd shapes.

Should I paint a picture on the jigsaw floor?

Yes.

What should I paint?

The Mona Lisa?

No. It would look like a fake.

A Japanese manga cartoon?

No. I haven’t got the anime in me.

The Earth?

Yeah, I could do that. I could draw a map of the planet Earth. I know what the world looks like. And the world is a popular puzzle.

After I’ve created the world how good would it be to pull the floor up and jumble the pieces. Clapping my hands in excited anticipation I would begin anew and it shouldn’t take more than six days to complete. Like all jigsaw connoisseurs I would start by doing all the edges first ever watchful not to fall through the ceiling; I don’t want to be labelled a fallen angel. Then I’d do the lands with the countries leaving the seas to last. I would struggle with the Pacific Ocean parts. There’s a lot of blue there. A few of them might be forced to fit. I’d bang them in with my trusty hammer without a qualm. Cheating at jigsaws is a small sin.

My day dream had overlapped the prayer which had finished. The congregation looked at me as I was coming out of my trance. One of them told me later that I said “there will probably be a piece missing.”

Beautiful ears

October 4, 2014

My wife is a Taurean. That makes her a bull. And as all you Bizz acute readers know a bull buys and by the Minotaur in his labyrinth does she buy. She can come home from a shopping spree with more bags on her person than are channelled through Heathrow airport. This doesn’t bother me but by Bungle she also buys during the bear zodiacal cycle! Fozzie Bear! She goes to town like a bull in a china shop.

Porcelain. Hmmp. A thing that does get my Capricorn is the fragility of certain products. We are in the 21st century durability should be guaranteed. Kwai Chang Caine can tippy toe over the rice paper till the cows come home for all he wants, I’d much rather see Grasshopper Aries it over the course leaving no mark of Cain.

In the fragility league tables, poor old eggs get a raw deal. Derided as feeble -walking on eggshells, the yokes on you, weak legs like eggs, an egg is just white charcoal- the egg is superhuman in some respects. Even Geoff Capes couldn’t crush an egg between his mighty fingers…if he squeezed it at both poles. Try this at home. Expect face contortion on your part and a smug egg laughing back at you from the shell.

MP3-Headphones-FM-Radio-Foldable-plusbuyer

An object that has just topped my list of fragile things is that earpiece ornamental apparel- the headphones. I don’t know how many of these eardrum destroyers that have malfunctioned on me in the last few years; there’s something Piscean about them. There I am listening to my sounds when Pow, Bang, Wallop, one of the sides goes deaf on me and I’m left with one ear working. This happens all the time. I lose the power in one ear. Now useless the faulty fones go straight into the bin.  For the cheap and Nastase makes I bought I could just about understand the brittleness of their bones, it’s the state of the art Spocks that go wrong on me that make me want to volley out loud the sarcastic witticism- “fascinating, my left ear.”

When I told the bull about my hardships with the headphones she struck me with an arrow that even Sagittarius or Oliver Queen could propel. She knew what was wrong about my earplugs plight. She didn’t blame it on the sunshine. She didn’t blame it on the moonlight. She didn’t blame it on the good times. She didn’t even blame it on the boogie. She blamed it on

Megadeth

Machine Head

Iron Maiden

Lamb Of God

Orange Goblin

Airbourne

Slayer

and so on and so forth, fifth, sixth etc. She said a Scorpion like me shouldn’t be listening to such stinging, headphone destructive music. I should be more laid back and of an easy listener ilk. I should be listening to someone like Stevie Wonder.  I’ll take her advice…just this once. This one is for the Librans out there that really are stars. You know who you are. I know I’m a day early but for when tomorrow comes…Happy Birthday.