Bedtime Story

You don’t buy a bed every week. Ó JW10.

One topic guaranteed to turn off readers is a writer narrating the details of a dream he’s had. Your personal dreams have no interest for any one else. You soon lose your audience when you venture into dreamland. Therefore, it was with trepidation that this week’s bulletin is about the bed specialists- Dreams.

The bed retailing giant dismissed rumours that it is in crisis. The management is holding talks with the bank about restructuring the company. Inevitably, store closures have been reported in the bed press.

My wife said it was time we had a new bed. We sat on the sofa together and browsed the Dreams catalogue. Flipping through the covers was relaxing. Page after page of soft, comforting images of serene beds was making me sleepy. With a slow, casual movement I placed my head onto my wife’s shoulder.

I was now in the land of beds. Floating over my head was bed after bed after bed. Each one more alluring than the last. The beds were mesmerising me in their passing. I was in a paradise of beds. Zedbeds gave me a wave as they flew past. What nice beds, I dreamed. I was deep in a sleep of ZZZZ’s.

But paradises never last and the next batch of beds were surly, uneven and bumpy. Their broken springs, madder than an adder, coiled and sprang at me with a hiss. I tossed and turned in the void. The zedbeds became Venus Flytraps and I squirmed for safety. In the cosmos, heading towards me was a bed of nails and I didn’t have my slippers on. I winced.

“We’ll get that one.” said my wife.

I screamed before I realised I’d woken from my dream and was listening to my wife’s favoured choice from the Dreams book.

“I’m so happy with your brilliant selection I wanted to scream.” I added quickly.

The bed will be delivered soon and going by the picture it looks alright. The thing is once it’s safely ensconced in the bedroom it will lose its glossy lustre. My wife is one of those women that drowns the bed with thousands of pillows and soft toys. The bed becomes one overloaded life raft. When she’s not in I scatter the soft toys and pillows all over the ship. Of course, I have to rearrange them before she comes back. She always notices that they have been moved. That’s when my nightmare really starts.


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12 Comments on “Bedtime Story”

  1. You're Right to be Trepidous, JW – here's my latest Fascinating Dream…
    OK I won't. (But Liam Neeson was there).

    Were you around for the Water Bed trend? In olden times when I visited my fella at uni, someone up the corridor had one which he generously offered a try on…

    It was somewhat of a let down – not only its deflatedness but its Freezingly Coldness.

    I think a selection of warm soft toys would have helped enormously (own up, JW – which ones are yours?).

  2. JW10 Says:

    Liam Neeson? You've kept that one quiet over the years, Dolores.

    Yo-Ho-Ho and a bottle of rum. I've never had a shot of a water bed so I don't know if I've got sea legs or not although I have always fancied being a pirate. It would be dangerously exciting taking a cutlass into the water bed.
    Abandon Ship!

    Keep this to yourself, DD, I do, erm, have a few softie toys of mine own.

  3. Coincidence!
    Donkeys years ago I used exactly the same image in a blog which was a poem about two people in bed together! Great minds think alike!

    There’s a big mistake that I always make
    As I awake in the dawning.
    I open one eye and then with a sigh
    I wonder why I’m still yawning.

    I know I’m awake by the noise I make
    And so I fake some more sleeping.
    But I don’t know why however I try
    My other eye begins peeping.

    I see I’m in bed asleep with my wed
    But in my head I hear wheezing.
    And then for my sins my darling begins
    Her own loud dins and starts sneezing.

    She sneezes and snores and bellows and roars
    As if some wars she is winning.
    So I blow my nose and tickle her toes
    Inside her hose and she’s grinning.

    We sigh and we moan we grunt and we groan
    And then her phone begins pinging.
    There is no mistake the noises we make
    Bring birds awake with their singing!


  4. Sorry about that! But I thought I was dreaming when I saw the image!

    I inherited a water bed in a rented house when I worked in America. It took me ages to learn how to get off it in the morning. If you ever have a go on one, I suggest rolling off sideways. Any attempt to sit up whilst swinging legs over the side is likely to end you up in a disorganised heap – back on the bed!

  5. Expat Says:

    I don't know about water beds, but we did have a very comfortable bed in the hotel and went to sleep with the sound of the surf coming in through the balcony's open doors. And we did venture out onto the water for an eco-tour of Assateague Island to see the wild horses. So beds and water featured prominently in our vacation.

    We had a fabulous time! Wonderful food at the best restaurants in town, good weather for the time of year, and lashings of wine. And the icing on the cake yesterday was our 44th anniversary dinner. We arrived at the restaurant to be greeted and led to our table by the owner who then presented us with a prettily packaged gift certificate. It seems my favorite client had tracked down where we were to eat (he knew it was our anniversary that day)and pre-paid for a sumptuous dinner and wine!

    I am one lucky lady.

  6. JW10 Says:

    Good morning all,

    The painting is by Henri Marie Raymond de Toulouse-Lautrec-Monfa. An excellent little (literally, though not artistically) French painter of the post-impressionist period. He made many works about beds though as afar as I know he didn’t draw any water beds.

    I like your poem, CI, it is very uplifting. I especially like the ending. It’s a shame to see it linger as a humble comment. You should publish it as a stand alone blog. I’m sure other surfers would come across it and appreciate your verse. (put enticing tags: happiness, poetry etc.)

    Happy anniversary Expat.
    Your beach vacation sounds delightful. It’s good to hear of you having a good time. Didn’t know where Assateague island was and had to Google. Being not far-travelled Geography is not my speciality. I see that it is one long barrier island that is split between two American States. By the pictures I saw it is a beautiful island. Did you tame any of those wild horses? Hi-Ho, Silver.

  7. 44 years Expat – fantastic! Glad you had such a joy-filled weekend, and Happy many more to come anniversaries!

    Yes, JW, I've secretly yearned for Liam since I saw him in 'Nell' with Jodie Foster. It's his twinkly ravagedness. Must find another word for Twinkly.

    'Rolling off sideways' CI – how fabulously simple! Could be added to Finishing School essentials like Getting out of cars with decorum…
    Do they still have finishing schools?

  8. Yes Dolores,
    When I first climbed aboard my water bed I bounced and giggled and bounced and giggled and bounced … for ages.

    I think there is a finishing school for bouncers that teaches the technique of rolling people out of places sideways.

    That's what gave me the idea.

  9. Ooh CI, what an image! It may even reflect in my dreams tonight but of course, para 1 of this blog discourages me from narrating any details tomorrow…

  10. JW10 Says:

    On the subject of water beds. Do they come with a water-filled quilt? How difficult would it be put a quilt cover on a water-filled quilt? What would happen if you took a hot water bottle into the water bed with you? Water beds don’t come with pillows, do they? If you lost a tooth would you have to put it under a water-filled pillow for the tooth fairy?
    Too much to ponder. Think I’ll stick to a non-water bed.

  11. Fight drought.
    Use water beds.

    Get rich.
    Fill up with booze.
    Resell after the next tax hike.

    Get even richer.
    Fill up with petrol.
    (but don't smoke in bed)

  12. Quilts, JW? In those days we're talking flurries of Eiderdowns.

    CI, you're bonkers! but I expect wise words lurk within all that

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