Swagbaggers treasure hunt

The days of using Swiss banks to evade paying tax are over. While still upholding the secrecy of their clients, the Swiss will begin to tax existing account holders between 19% and 34% and send the monies to the UK government. An up front payment of £384 million will be winged to Britain to compensate for some of the hidden, undeclared taxes. Financial experts predict a vast amount of depositors leaving Switzerland for other tax-havens like Singapore.

Swiss banks also provide safety deposit boxes in their vaults for various eminent items: documents, passports, gemstones, precious metals, currency. In some cases these safes will be loaded with the ill-gotten gains of crime. The Swiss ask no questions and the criminals feel secure about the rigorous security measures that make theft of their spoils improbable.

I’m still not convinced of this as numerous Hollywood films have shown that burglary in these locations is commonplace. And if they can break into Fort Knox how easy must it be to slip into your block. Not everyone can afford the biometrics of a retina scan at the front door to gain access.

Without sounding alarmist or anything but robberies are on the increase. There’s an absolute Tattenham Corner bottleneck of robbers outside your window jockeying for position. Even robbers are being robbed after they’ve robbed; there’s no honour between thieves nowadays. And the secondary plunderers are no Robin Hoods, they‘re hoodlums. Your stolen TV will be hawked in a pub or crushed in a vault.

Which begs the question, where do we put our valuables? A home has a million possibilities for concealing goods. You know under the bed isn’t as silly as it sounds. Most cat burglars have poor joints with all the climbing over roofs so they try not to bend their knees unnecessarily. Your beautiful pint glasses should be safe as houses down there so long as they don’t lose their bottle and tinkle together with fright.

Important data discs can easily be hidden in the cover of a Howard the Duck DVD. While if you’re flush, rolls of cash can be stuffed inside rolls of toilet paper. I wouldn’t worry too much about the Bechstein Grand piano being taken; most robbers don’t have a Pickford’s van as a get away vehicle.

In closing, to make it harder for the thieves, it is advisable to locate and utilise unusual hiding spots for your loot. It is important you remember the whereabouts of these places. Over the years I’ve lost a small fortune by continually forgetting the secret chambers. Though it is pleasing to come across, by accident, an old hiding place. Last week I rediscovered an old dusty pint glass with £20 in it. Trouble is I’d halved the £20 for super safety and don’t know where the other half is. Still, I’ve got the glass and it’s half-full.

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12 Comments on “Swagbaggers treasure hunt”

  1. Another great blog, JW, yet troubling… I can't think of a Valuable to hide…

    There's no doubt that in a fire, George would rescue his accordions while urging me to Grab this guitar, will you!

    So I could put my kazoo in a shoe box under the bed… or photos would fit nicely.

    Of course if I find a valuable to hide, there's always those terrifying crevices in the BatCave, where few hands would wish to poke. And I could probably squash my wedding hat in there – always good for a laugh.

  2. JW10 Says:

    Thanks Dolores,

    George has definitely got his priorities right. I’d do the same. All the family would have to carry my pint glasses out. Very carefully.
    I wish I had your bat cave.

    Touching wood, so far no one in my immediate family has ever been the victim of a house break-in. The robbers are either scared of us or know we don’t have anything worth stealing. My only misfortune was a few years ago. My car got broken into and the perpetrator/s made off with a mini tool box with tools. It was no great loss.

  3. Expat Says:

    I don't have anything that a burglar would want either. My telly is so old and so heavy it would take three men to carry it and then they would have to fandango through the doorway. The only original art work I have decorates the refrigerator, courtesy of the grandchildren (but who knows, it might be worth a fortune some day). Except for the original Rubber Soul LP, a few Thelonious Monk recordings, and sone early Chet Atkins, it's Slim Pickins chez Expat.

  4. JW10 Says:

    Hello Expat,

    Super comment, especially the quip about the grandchildren's art work.
    When you see some of the modern art on show you wonder about the age of the artist.

    Reading between the lines, as I think you are both big kidders, I bet you and DD have now transferred your fortunes to Singapore. 🙂

  5. Please don't tell anyone though, JW…

    Expat, your telly sounds fabulous & well worth taking up burglary for!

    I've never had anything pinched either, JW, even a toolbox. Although someone did break into our car one night – the alarm sent him screeching off in his getaway spare, leaving the entire village wide awake. Specially as the alarm was cheap & faulty, and we couldn't switch the damn thing off.

  6. JW10 Says:

    DD, as ever you make me chuckle. There’s definitely a blog in there at your last comment.

    All the villagers are awake at their doors with their pyjamas and night hats on. Advice is offered by all and sundry on how to put the alarm off. You’re desperately looking for the manual. Somebody calls the cops.
    This is potential blog of the year stuff, Dolores.

  7. Expat Says:

    The only person who ever broke into my car was…me.

    As a fairly new driver, I'd driven down to Cheltenham from Southport in a big hurry. My first solo excursion behind the wheel. I can't even remember why I had to go now, except it was really important. It was an old car, with many foibles. And I was in a state anyway. I jumped out of the car at my sister's house and shut the door which then inexplicably locked…with the lights on and the engine running and the keys in the ignition. In a panic,I ran into the house, grabbed a blunt instrument, and smashed the quarterlight so I could reach in and unlock the door and switch off th engine and lights.

    Have you any idea how much it costs to replace a quarterlight? My husband said later I should have smashed the windscreen. At least the insurance would have covered that.

  8. JW you're amazing – you've just written the blog in the time it took me to think Yeeees… good idea!

    What a vision, Expat! Didn't your car used to be Famous in Disney?

  9. Jon Says:

    With three children continually generating mess, it is hard to tell whether our house has been burgled or not. My mobile has been missing for weeks now – I have not a clue if it has been half-inched or is just lurking in a drawer somewhere.

  10. JW, I was on a small mail steamer from Glasgow on its route up the West coast of Scotland.

    On the bridge stood I, and two lady schoolteachers that the Captain had invited to view the passing coastlines.

    We were headed into a squall – a dark heavy shower of rain – and the Captain called down the Voice Pipe to the saloon below where a crew member was in charge of the bar.

    “Have ye noo a big mackintosh down there that would cover two ladies?”

    The reply was swift.

    ”Noo, but there is a wee MacGregor here that is prepared to try.”


  11. Huge guffaw to that one, CI!! and the image will chuckle back all day

  12. JW10 Says:

    Happy hunting, Jon.

    And a big chuckle for that one, CI.

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