Action: On and Off the screen

Cineworld have adopted a new policy stating that only food and drink purchased in the foyer may be taken into the film theatre. Therefore, adopting the similar smuggling techniques mastered recently, my son and I managed to conceal our contraband about our persons.

This was done with military precision as my son’s soft drink container was the size of a fire extinguisher. It was a full four litres of a cheap Red Bull alternative. We adhere to the aphorism of the well-known philosopher, I Forget His Name, “Quantity over Quality, every day of the week”. I mean, why buy one cake from Bradford’s when you can get four from Greggs.

We went to see the latest big screen extravaganza from Marvel, an adaptation of the Norse Gods myth called Thor. My imagination probably comes from reading all those Mighty Marvel comic books in my youth. The films don’t capture the same excitement for me; Stan Lee cameos aside, of course. In the end it‘s true what every one says, the films are not as good as the comics.

As one of the first to arrive, we elected to sit in the middle of the back row for the best view. We didn’t expect courting couples at Thor; in fact because it was a sunny day I thought it would be quiet. This wasn’t the case and a fair crowd of Asgardian aficionados were there including, a few seats either way of us, book ending us, two sets of Viking-helmeted cinemagoers.

Halfway through the film my son fuelled by the Bull substitute, needed to go visit the toilet and choose the quickest route which was on our right side. He apologised for clambering over the disgruntled horn-helmeters. After a short time he returned with another clamber. Fifteen minutes later after guzzling more fuel, he had to go again. Not wanting him to disturb the same people again, I told him to go the left. He protested that way is too far and he’d miss lots of the film. He added history proves there’s no point in starting a war on two fronts. He was determined to go right and I can’t argue if he wants to stay on the right track.

As he pondered the problem I reminded him how I always told him to forget practising keepie-uppies and instead work on teleportation skills. We’ll switch t-shirts, he said and they’ll think I’m you.
As we began to undrape the bicepless actor who played Thor appeared topless in the movie. Feeling sorry for the poor shape of Thor’s Pecs and not wanting to steal his thunder, we decided to keep our shirts on.

At bursting point as a last resort my son turned on his phone making out he needed to make an important call, which is truthful to an extent. Clambering over bodies he made it to the stairwell before he received a text message. A Batman ring tone reverberated throughout the arena. The Thorists were not amused. Lightning crackled around the amphitheatre and I must say I was impressed with their secret stashes. From all over their persons the hordes menacingly hoisted hammers in the air. Oh well, let’s get ready to Ragnarok.

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3 Comments on “Action: On and Off the screen”

  1. Hi JW!
    A classic tale of how one can turn a Marvel Movie Superhero film into an epic from the Hammer House of Horrors!

    When our local cinema began showing a notice on the screen asking everyone to switch their mobile phones off, one very well-built lady panicked and fell over my lap as she forced her way out of our row of seats. It transpired she had left her mobile in her car…

  2. Brilliant, JW! and the Trailer just frightened the hell out of poor sleeping-on-lap cat. Even in 2D, those rocks were comin'-at-yuh'!
    (sorry – sure I've heard that phrase somewhere appropriate)

    CI – one of your best…!

  3. JW10 Says:

    Nice one, CI. Very Funny.

    As you know I slightly veer toward exaggeration from time to time, though I can assure you we did contemplate swapping shirts in the cinema.
    Ok my Canary Islander blood brother, enough Thor Wars- it’s time for Scar Wars.

    Hello Dolores, Thor did have some memorable scenes on screen but not one of the best Superhero flicks for me. Iron Man I (one) still my favourite.

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