O come all ye suffering

Long Hair was in the Inferno that was hell. A million souls cried out in anger as he sped along the corridors of the damned. A radio played incessantly in Lucifer’s chamber and was tuned to the Metal Chainsaw Show on radio 666. The driver hit the brakes and the car circled four times before stopping. Long Hair stared out the window at multitudes of howling hoarders greedily wheeling huge bags of swag.

“Bankers.” He barked.

The guardian god of wealth, Plutus, watched over the avaricious as they grinded the wheels. Gulping down some Jameson’s, Long Hair figured they were getting off lightly. Lemmy and the gang from Motorhead knew what to do with bankers. At that, Get Back in Line thundered from Hell’s speakers.

Exploring the nether world of the dead he came across a cantina and entered. It was populated by various demon minions and reeked of grime and mud. Ordering a Jameson’s, Long Hair was accosted by a sot.

“He doesn’t like you.” The cursed drunkard pointed to a hell-spawned fiend in the corner. “I don’t like you either.”

“Shut it.” shouted Long Hair and he picked up a barstool and leathered the hides of all the patrons. He set new levels of violence that would never be matched; no one was left alive. In the aftermath, you would think a bomb had hit the place. Nervously, the barman managed to phone Satan and with a puff of brimstone, the devil appeared. After a brief whisper with the bartender Satan approached Long Hair.

“Um, how would you like a few crates of Jameson’s, if you’ll, uh, leave the premises?”

Long Hair lifted his hand and Satan cowered expecting an incoming but Long Hair only scratched his oily hair.

“Tell you what. You’ve got some good furnaces down here. Make me some new wheels of steel and I’ll blow town.”

This was a deal the devil couldn’t refuse and Long Hair got his Jameson’s and pimped ride. Telling Satan, he’ll come back again someday, he roared off with the reverberating sounds of the Metal Chainsaw Show cutting the air. Satan muttered under his breath. “Thank God, he’s gone.”

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4 Comments on “O come all ye suffering”

  1. JM Says:

    Just how heart-warming can a blog-post get, JW? A complete crud barges his way into the Halls of the Damned and, damn me, changes the Devil himself into a Good Samaritan, and all with just a wee touch of wheeler-dealering. I suspect the hand of a Jesuit behind all this. Is Long Hair too good to be true? We shall see.

    Only one serious theological error here. No Jameson in Hell. I thought you knew that, but we all make mistakes (I even made a mistake myself once, though I cannot recall when now ; 1964, I think). No, no Jameson in Hades, but I have heard it said that you can get a decent Bushmills in the waiting lounge, with a Guinness’s Porter as a chaser.

    Did I read your account right? Did you really say that Long Hair intends to return to Hell? Has he not done enough damage there? Has he not heard of mercy?

  2. theroyalist Says:

    Satan better pack his bags, Jamie, Long Hair has missionary plans to colonize Hell.

    And now onto the important theological debate you have stirred up. I’ve scoured the text books and read the ancient manuscripts searching for the truth. What is the Protestant whiskey and what is the Catholic whiskey? Geographically, Jameson’s is made in Cork, Bushmills in Antrim. The map makes things easy to understand until matters get complicated. The following paste job is from
    http://www.jeffreymorgenthaler.com/2010/ask-your-bartender-protestant-vs-catholic-whiskey/

    “Jameson was pretty much founded in 1780 when John Jameson – a Scottish guy – purchased the Bow Street Distillery, which at the time was one of the biggest distilleries in Ireland. Now, it’s important to note that the Scottish Reformation occurred in 1560, so odds are in favor of the founder of the Jameson distillery, being Scottish, was a damn Protestant.
    Bushmills, on the other hand, was officially licensed in 1608 by King James I (of Bible fame) and despite of its location deep in the heart of Protestant country (and this next bit is straight from my local Bushmills rep, so take it or leave it) has a Catholic as a master distiller.”

    Completely bewildered by this new information, I’ll leave McNulty of The Wire to decide.

  3. JM Says:

    Well, JW, I won’t argue about the theology of spirits, since it is clear that you are well-read on the subject. But, if Long hair is to missionize and colonize Hell, he will of course need a haircut first. The only matter to be decided concerns his tonsure – *eltic or Roman? That is the question (and his answer will decide what kind of eternity he suffers). I have no opinion in the matter.

  4. theroyalist Says:

    RED ALERT* RED ALERT* RED ALERT*
    Dispatch Destroyers to extinguish the C letter.

    Mission Successful.

    Blimey Jamie, you nearly started World War 3. There are defence mechanisms built into this blog to keep out the threat of the C word. Although, you were not writing about the green half of Glasgow the True Blue defenders were not to know that. Sorry to have amended your fine comment, the C word is just not allowed.

    Long Hair as a monk? Jamie, I love the ideas you feed me. These chronicles are practically all your work.


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