It started with a cough

Most doctors will tell you any form of mild exercise is good for you. Walking for instance is a cheap way to get fit and a nice walk is therapeutic. Steering clear of Brownfield areas I walked the lush grassy parks of my fine city. Unfortunately, the temperature fell and the UK was hit by Arctic weather. Nonplussed I continued walking forgetting that I wasn’t really clothed for the snowy conditions. The result being a sore throat and a cough that was as relentless as an express train.

An embarrassing bout of coughing possessed me while I was in the library. The librarian drew me daggers and I could sense my splutters were breaking the concentration of readers. From out of nowhere an Asian man took me by the elbow and led me to the lobby. I feared the worst as I thought I was in the hands of a karate expert. But he wasn’t, he was a Yoga practitioner.

“This yoga exercise should help your cough.” he said.

He showed me the Roaring Lion (Simhasana) technique, calm consciousness was invoked and the coughs subsided. The “Lion” involves breathing in a lungful of fresh air through the nose and expelling violently the poisonous air out of your mouth giving an instant cure for sore throat, coughs and bad breath. Try it, it works.

In a state of nirvana I thanked my teacher. The guru went on to extol the virtues of yoga and enthused on the healthy benefits of a full body massage. Advising me to visit a massage parlour, I politely declined saying that they don’t have a good reputation in these parts. Nonsense, he said, and he recommended a salon on the main road in the city. He went on, everything is above board and the soft hands of the Goddess will refresh the body and soul.

In a state of excitement I went on a reconnaissance mission near the premises. Sure enough, it was sitting in the middle of town besides other retailers. Signs on its window indicated it didn’t just do massages. Hypnotherapy and acupuncture were also on the menu. And the receptionists, they were stunning! If this were the receptionists what are the masseuses going to be like?

I took the plunge and on entering was greeted by one of the most pleasant, beautiful Asian women I have ever seen. She led me down a corridor and into a room. Let me make it perfectly clear I absolutely love my wife. I was only here to relieve my aches and strains. The fact that the establishment was full of pretty women was not important.

“Take your clothes off and lie on the bed. There’s a towel over there, sir. Please use it to protect your modesty. Your masseur will be in presently.”

Lying on my back with the flimsy hand towel over my midriff I looked forward to the experience of being manipulated into a blissful realm. I closed my eyes and dreamed of floating on a clear white ocean. Gently bobbing in the water far, far from the deep snow that lay outside. I imagined being adrift with only the sounds of birds of paradise for company.

“Hello, sailor boy.”

That girly voice rings a bell, oh no, it can’t be. I craned my neck and sure enough in front of me dressed in a pink kimono stood the camp young man from the petrol station.

“What are you doing here? Don’t you work at the garage?”

Pouring oil on his hands he replied.

“I got laid off from the pumps. Come on now, don’t be shy. We’re old friends.”

And he yanked off my towel.

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10 Comments on “It started with a cough”

  1. Expat Says:

    And then? And then?

  2. JW10 Says:

    He fainted. 🙂

  3. Brilliant JW!! And how's your cough coming along?

    (our cats do the LION all the time, Violently Expelling Poisonous Air of kittykat, and Yes, they do seem to be in sterling health). (it's George & I who get the furballs)

  4. JW10 Says:

    Hello Dolores,

    Have your cats ever sat upside down on their heads? This posture is called Sirshasana and the rush of blood to the head gives an instant facelift. This is a cheaper option than cosmetic surgery. I do this all the time, though I have been known to lose my balance sometimes. Ouch!

  5. JW – that's a splendid idea – cats are indeed not as fresh-faced as they used to be.
    Shall begin the Procedure immediately – should one try to demonstrate first (ho bloody ho), or just position them encouragingly…

  6. JW10 Says:

    DD, you should always practise what you preach and this takes a lot of practise. A word of warning before you start. Maybe it'd be a good idea to have George at the ready with an ambulance.

  7. I blame you, JW! Cats came out of it slightly better than I did, but I suppose they are indeed Practised in vertical reef knots.
    I shall stick to Page 34 – Single Leg Raising in future…

  8. Hello JW,
    Sorry I'm late to the party, but we've just got back from a bit of 5-Star island-hopping to celebrate my ladylove's birthday!!! And it's taken me AGES to get off the Aromatherapy table. Dim lights, sweet smelly stuff wafting all around, and the soles of my feet being lightly fingered always sends me off to sleep…


  9. JW10 Says:


    You said it was your ladylove's birthday yet you seem to have been spoiled rotten. Glad you both(?) enjoyed yourselves and I'm envious of your tropical island hopping. If you follow the news you'll know that we've been hit by Siberian weather up here.

    To warm my body I've taken up Zen yoga, that's the meditative branch. Mind over matter and all that. Join me in a cyber trance.
    Ready everybody.


  10. Yes, JW,

    I have a cunning plot here – never give “things” to your Ladylove on the occasion of her birthday; give shared experiences instead!


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