Treble Trouble

A one act play.

(Evening. Jesse’s Saloon. Three old regulars sit at the bar. Jesse the barman is drying glasses)

Jesse: What age are you now, Kid?

Kid Hansen: Sixty-four.

Jesse: You know, sometime soon we’ll have to get round to dropping that moniker. Those hell-raising days are over and you’re not drinking as much as you used to.
(Aside) None of you are.

Bart Grimsdale: Eh? (Bart is deaf)

Jackets Carson: Kid Hansen. In your day you were one of the fastest guns around. Remember that time you took out “The Rattlesnake Gang” and left them crawling on their bellies.

Kid Hansen: Yeah well, my powers with a pistol are long gone.

(The swing doors open and with an arrogant stride a youth swaggers to the bar and taps Kid Hansen on the back)

Gary Glover: Old timer, you’re sitting on my seat.

Kid Hansen: There are plenty of spare seats.

Gary Glover: Maybe so. But that’s my seat.

(Pause)

Kid Hansen: You take the seat. I’ll sit over there.

Gary Glover: Smart move, old man. I’m one of the Glover brothers and we just shot your sheriff. We’re in charge of this town now. So all of you duffers back off into that corner. You. Barman. Whiskey.

(The old men move to the side of the stage)

Jackets Carson: What are we gonna do?

Kid Hansen: I’m surprised you didn’t scarper like you used to.

Jackets Carson: It’s not that I didn’t want to, my old legs can’t move as fast as they used to. The old me, when seeing the stranger come in would have been out of here quicker than a horse-fly round dung.

Bart Grimsdale: Eh?

Jackets Carson: There’s nothing wrong with holding the jackets. It’s an easy life and there are lots of us do it. You live longer having a life like mine.

Kid Hansen: You’re as old as me. You know we had a name for you as well. The Disappearing Kid.

Jackets Carson: I wish I were invisible now. Anyway, you’re the gunslinger not me, Hansen. You should do something.

(Enter two more young men and the three outsiders greet like brothers)

Barry Glover: Gary.

Gary Glover: Barry.

(They hug)

Larry Glover: Gary.

Gary Glover: Larry.

(They hug.)

Larry Glover: Barry. (At same time)
Barry Glover: Larry. (At same time)

(They hug, and then quickly disengage, remembering that they entered together)

Gary Glover: Hey you (to Jesse). Whiskey for my brothers.

Barry Glover: That sheriff sure put up some fight. I’m not even sure if he’d dead yet. But he surely is dying. His deputy had yellow guts and ran away as soon he saw us.

Jesse: Dennis the sheriff is a tough little guy.

Barry Glover: I shot him in the back and he bucked like a colt.

Larry Glover: My gun smoked him too. Too bad I didn’t get the chance to shoot the doggone deputy. It would have been good to shoot the deputy too.

(The Glovers laugh)

Kid Hansen: Jackets, your grandson is the deputy, isn’t he? (Jackets nods) Figures.

Gary Glover: Silencio. Old men should be seen and not heard.

Bart Grimsdale: Eh?

(Fade. A few hours later)

Larry Glover: Jesse, gives me your bar towel and I’ll shhhow you a trick.

(Jesse hands him a cloth and Larry places six glasses of bourbon on it)

The quickness of the hand- and I’m a hot-shot shhhooooter with a gun, Jesse- deceives the eye. You’ll be amazed when I whip this towel off the table and something called inerttiia keeps the glasses in place. Drum roll, brothers. A-one-ah. A-two-ah. A-fr-

(Larry pulls the cloth and smashes the glasses all over the bar)

Ohhh.

Jesse: Not to worry. Those six can be on the house. You gentlemen have spent lots of money here tonight.
(Aside) unlike the miserable old gits that usually come in.

Barry Glover: Unlucky, bruv. Watsch thish. I can throw peanuts ten feet in the air and catsch them in my mouth.

(The brothers ramble on drunkenly. Kid Hansen stands up.)

Kid Hansen: You three have been knocking back the liquor all evening but you can’t hold it. I bet you can’t even drink soup, critters.

Gary Glover: Ah, a have a go hero. I like nothing better than a gun fight. Wrinkles, you just talked yourself into a coffin.

(Silence)

Kid Hansen: well you gonna pull that thing or grow a beard.

(Gary draws. Kid Draws and shoots the gun out of Gary’s hand. Kid fires two shots into Barry and Larry, killing them. Jesse stares at them sadly; they were his best customers ever. Kid’s gun jams and clicks as he is about to kill Gary. Bart puts his fingers in his ears, the gunshots are deafening. Jackets cowers below the table.)

Gary Glover: You’re pretty quick for an old guy…but you got a dud gun. Me, I got me another gun. Times change and it is old fashioned just to have one gun these days.

Bart Grimsdale: I can hear, I can hear. It must have just been a big bit of wax that needed dislodging.

(Silence)

Gary Glover: This is for Barry and Larry.

(He takes aim and is shot through the heart by the sheriff who, severely injured, has crawled on his stomach underneath the bat doors. Gary dies. The sheriff dies)

Kid Hansen: The lawman sure was brave.

(Jackets appears from under the table)

Jackets Carson: He was only doing his job, that’s all.

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