The Grand Hational

And here are the runners and riders for this years annual hat hunters chase at Wincannone.
1. Beer Can Expat Hat worn and sipped by Expat.
2. All the days of Marmot, a domesticated hat tamed by Dolores.
3. The Vendee Helicopter piloted by Jon.
4. Canary Express, sadly a non-hatter.

They’re coming up to the tape and under starter’s orders. Make mine a double, he shouts before the clerk of the course reminds him of his official duty. The starter with a long face shoehorns the hats into place and they’re off.

And the early leader is the favourite, Beer Can Expat Hat. The rider has shown adroit skill by changing the empties in her hat and continuing to consume the lager at a great gallop. What a pace she’s set! Oliver Reed and Richard Burton would have fallen under the table by now. Oh no, her limit has been reached, she’s staggering off course. No, I was wrong she’s only heading to the toilet. However, this break to powder her nose has got her disqualified.

And All the days of Marmot takes advantage by squirreling into first place. This hat is set perfectly in that it does not cover the beautiful Bo Derekesque ears of the rider. The crowd don’t know whether to watch the Marmot or the ears. Suddenly the Marmot breaks free from its cage and makes a dart for a hedge. The crowd cheer. The Marmot turns round and blows Dolores a raspberry before burrowing its way to freedom.

This leaves the Vendee Helicopter a simple flight to the finish. The strains of Ride of the Valkyries plays in the background and Jon looks to have capped off a memorable victory. He flicks a V sign to the bookmakers below who dismissed his chances. Presumably the V is for Vendee. Wait a moment, there’s a horrendous smell polluting the air forcing Jon to beat a hasty retreat. From below one of the race goers with a Canary hat is wearing Monday socks but it’s Saturday. Has he been wearing them all week? And the Hat Race has been declared void. There are no winners. Oh well, there’s always next year.

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9 Comments on “The Grand Hational”

  1. Joyously clever and hilarious, JW! (And no disappointments, to boot – bloody clever)!

    Where on earth did you find these piccys, or did you fabricate everything with thine own hands? (Possibly not the marmot).

    Thankee from George too, for much hilarity (I take Enormmous Credit for my thrilling reading thereof)

  2. Expat Says:

    Fabulous, JW!

    (But Budweiser????)

  3. JW10 Says:

    Save the Marmots!

    Hello Dolores,

    This blog was intended to be a comment on the last blog but just got longer and longer so it got promoted. Not least because then I could publish a lovable pic of the little Marmot.

  4. JW10 Says:

    Sorry Expat, it was the best pic I could find. All the others had, shall we say, overweight men supping from the hat.

    Glad you enjoyed the commentary. We are all nutters or hatters, aren't we? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    Thankee (copyright DD) both for participating in this year's race.

  5. And thank you zillions for the Marmot, JW – I shall cherish it always

  6. Two great blogs JW!!!

    The reason you couldn't see me in the race was because Canary Express was running without his jockey. You see, we are experts in BAREBACK riding – in which you take your jockeys off. And if you are in a real hurry, you can leave your socks on.

  7. Now that Would have been worth a picture, CI!

  8. Yes Dolores! But I couldn't saddle you with that! 🙂

  9. JW10 Says:

    I still love your monday socks blog, C.I. and I am more than happy to immortalise those sweat soackers here. They did have a big effect in the outcome of the race.

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